Was there anything that triggered all that in the first place, or did it just blindside you one morning?
That whole existential crisis I've been going through started fairly soon after MagFest. Kind of started during MagFest actually. What I was thinking at the time was how weird it was that this thing that I had been waiting to happen for such a long time was actually happening right now. Which led to the thought that some time later MagFest would just be a memory.
A really basic thought, and kind of a statement of obvious facts, but it just struck me as a really strange thing that we all just accept the fact that things go from waiting for something, to experiencing something, then remembering something.
It wasn't until a little while after MagFest that I continued the thought further from remembering something, to slowly losing memory of something over time, then to death. And it kind of snowballed from there.
The funny thing is, everything else that I had been depressed about before just kind of flew out the window. Even when Valentine's day rolled around, which also happened to be exactly two years since the last time I had anything even vaguely resembling a date, the fact just seemed like a meaningless bit of trivia to me in comparision to the big picture. I'm permanently zoomed out to the big picture now, trying as hard as I can to zoom back in to what's right in front of me.
Anyway, enough cosmic angst for now...
Hi, my name is Senj, and I've been finding it hard to give a fuck about too much lately. I've got a pretty awesome life to be honest. But highschool has really fucked with me the past year or two. I'm almost done with it, and I'm hoping that will help to alleviate some of this.
Highschool is supposed to fuck with you. That's one thing I realized too late after highschool. The good news is anything bad that happens to you in high school really won't matter at all later on (well, as long as you don't get shot or something, hehe). Highschool is like a trial run at life. No matter how badly things get fucked up, once you graduate it's like wiping the slate clean and starting again. And actually, fucking things up just gets you a better idea how to succeed later on. In hindsight I shouldn't have played things as safely and conservatively as I did back in high school. I really wish I had fucked up more back in highschool when it didn't matter.