Highschool is supposed to fuck with you. That's one thing I realized too late after highschool. <snip>
I feel the same way sometimes. High school was pretty much the prime of my drug experimentation days, but socially I played it pretty safe. I had lots of friends, but I mostly stood in their shadows, which was fine by me. I had a girlfriend in 9th grade and that was it.
My mood swings up and down constantly. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, sometimes I realize I have legitimate reasons to feel how I do. Part of this, I know, is because I don't have the healthiest lifestyle. But I'm not really ever 100% sure about that. I mean, my lifestyle seems pretty average, but maybe not the best for me.
The biggest issue for me, I guess, is how my interests and aspirations can change from day to day. Some days I'm fine with being a professional code monkey. Some days I want to code for open source projects. Some days I'm an aspiring musician. Some days I'm an intellect. Some days I'm a gamer. Some days I'm just a lazy bum who watches TV and eats junk food. It's more than just "oh, I don't feel like playing video games today" or "I feel like coding today". It's like an identity crisis and my focus is pulled everywhere and I end up doing nothing and being unhappy. Sometimes I can assure myself that it's a-ok to not feel like being productive, but other times I can't (most likely because of prolonged unproductivity).
Lately though I've been trying really hard to change things. It all starts out with realizing things about yourself. If you can't realize what is making you unhappy, you can't change or accept yourself. For me, it's starting out with exercise and meditation. For the past several weeks creeper and I were playing on a dodgeball team. We sucked, but it was fun exercise and I got to bond with some friends on a new level. Now I'm trying to stick with an exercise and meditation regimen, and eat as best I can for now (will work on that later...).
I'm trying to focus / relax myself as well. I know I can't accomplish everything I want to, but I know I'll be unhappy if I don't accomplish some things. Right now my accomplishments are basically limited to finishing books and games I've accumulated. Accomplishing any goal, no matter how big or small, is just a little bit of progress, and that's all that's needed to get the ball rolling.
If you are feeling down on yourself, I suggesting trying hard to figure out what is making you unhappy. But beware, don't look in the wrong directions. If you think not having a girlfriend is what is making you unhappy, you are mistaken. You have an idea in your head that having a girlfriend will make you happy. You need to abandon ideas like this. Maybe think of it like steak. You want a steak for dinner, but you don't have steak. The steak isn't causing problems, it's the fact that you are unwilling to go after the steak, or you can't accept that you won't be eating steak tonight and just settle for something else. MM... steak... dammit, now I'm sad