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Depression And Other Social Issues


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#4501 mooniniteG

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Posted 28 December 2018 - 02:46 PM

JANEWAY


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#4502 Jace

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Posted 28 December 2018 - 03:41 PM

Yesterday a bunch of folks in Athens found out that a friend of ours committed suicide on xmas day. She was a single mother of two.  I didn't cry my eyes out like when Kain died, because this just feels so sudden and surreal...it's one of those classic cases where she was the kind of life-of-every-party person. I just I guess wanted to put this here because I don't have many people to talk about it with in town right now and maybe typing it down will help it sink in.


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#4503 Maiko

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Posted 29 December 2018 - 06:12 PM

It might not sink in yet but don't forget to take some time to mourn however you need to.

 

I apologize, not to make this about me at all but honestly this is partially why I'm so afraid to kill myself; don't want anyone to be upset or sad on my behalf

being happy and fun feels like a song and dance most of the time, I don't want people to see me as this sad piece of shit but faking it is miserable. 

I feel like that's usually why people who seem really happy end up offing themselves unexpectedly, so much energy is being devoted to making sure other 

people aren't burdened by your illness while it's also actively telling you that your life is worthless.

 

Really hoping her two kids will be okay


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#4504 Serena

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Posted 03 January 2019 - 04:33 PM

I found out yesterday that my best friend from a few years ago killed himself. He left behind a daughter. We were very attracted to each other, but the chemistry faded when he found out I was trans. I was always resentful about that, so the friendship didn't last either. I tried reaching out to him to make amends about a year ago but he wasn't having it.
 
We haven't spoken recently but I still think about him often. We shared so many great memories. I'll never forget when he told me how he couldn't stop smiling because we have so much fun together. I looked up to him so much--he was like an older brother to me. Always there, always having my back. He was one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
 
My relationship hasn't been going well either. The problems that led us to breaking up twice before still remained, so I ended it last night, said goodbye and blocked him on all social media. Today I don't even have any tears left to cry. I just feel dead inside. I made it 3 weeks of sobriety before giving up.
 
My hatred for everything including myself is at an all-time peak. There is no magic to life anymore. I'm just a series of unpleasant, and occasionally pleasant chemical responses. I don't really think I want to do it anymore. I have no desire to move forward with anything. I don't see myself living much longer. Nothing ever works out the way I want it. Anything or anyone I've ever cared about has left me feeling abandoned and betrayed. I don't know who I am or what I even care about anymore. I don't trust anyone. Nobody deserves the effort I put forth.
 
I really don't want to live to see what unfolds next. There's literally nothing to look forward to, no point in doing anything. Just nothing but failure and disappointment. I have nothing left to lose. I'm convinced the greatest thing I could do for myself is ending my life so I can be free of this pain. Feels like it's just a matter of time now. Human existence is such a burden. I don't want to play the game anymore. I'm already planning for my death.

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#4505 Guy In Rubber Suit

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Posted 03 January 2019 - 07:03 PM

Please don't take your life. We've already had one Shizzie do that and we don't need another.

Please call +18002738255 because they can help you out.

Everyone here is very supportive of you and has always encouraged you. It will get better.
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#4506 armor

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Posted 04 January 2019 - 03:48 PM

You can get a hold of me too I just recovered my old skype account armorthehomeless, I'm sorry I haven't made time to talk earlier but my previous experience with international phone calls has been a financial kick in the teeth and I feel like life is becoming a financial concentration camp.

I remember a time when I was unemployed and extraordinarily depressed and I was thinking about making a permanent bad decision but instead of doing that I got a bicycle from the hardware store and rode to Portland to hang out with you, it was a pivotal time in my life and you and Alex and Mark being there for me made it possible. I bounced from one of my lowest points, an irrationally depressed state, thanks to your camaraderie and hospitality. Life has pitched me some scenarios since then that are country song sad, but I have never felt Elliot Smith song sad again since then because I held on even when giving up seemed to make sense. 

I don't know what else to say right now. 


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#4507 Serena

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Posted 05 January 2019 - 12:58 AM

Thanks GIRS and armor. I really do appreciate the words of kindness.

 

The suicidal thoughts have been getting very loud, but I don't want to end my life. But still a part of me feels like it's died. I don't feel a strong connection with myself or anyone anymore. I don't even know who I am.

 

Time to join the circus?


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#4508 Kevin Gnartinez

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 12:58 PM

The suicidal thoughts have been getting very loud, but I don't want to end my life. But still a part of me feels like it's died. I don't feel a strong connection with myself or anyone anymore. I don't even know who I am.

<3 <3 <3 Much love to you, friend. And yr not alone. Been struggling with this pretty much since Magwest. It was especially bad at the beginning of December. I've had suicidal ideation since I was a teenager, but prior to last month I never really felt like it was that serious or that I was actually going to act on those thoughts. It's not even that I want to die, I'm terrified of dying. I just want the fucking pain to stop...I'm mostly on the other side of it right now and I'm feeling a little better, but the thoughts are still there. 


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#4509 KarlGerm

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 01:28 PM

homies, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Jace, I agree with Maiko that mourning is a strange thing and everyone handles that differently when sudden tragedies occur. After my Dad died, I had to keep telling myself that there are many different ways to mourn and none of them are wrong. Just be true to your emotions, let them come when they will and don't be ashamed of them. They ebb and they flow and sometimes that is the hardest part about grief. But just take it one step at a time and always know you can reach out when you need to.

 

Maiko, I agree with all the things you said. with the taboo depression or other mental health issues have had, it makes it really difficult to express that you're having a hard time. and I feel like most people I know (myself included) had that manifest in ways of never letting it show at the risk of making a loved one worry or upset. I feel like that's why there's so many cases of people being shocked to hear someone suffered from depression when it's too late. And that's why talking about it (even though it's difficult) can be so important. Getting therapy (which was a nightmare process to set up and an expensive bi-monthly occurrence) was one of the greatest things I did in my life. I was very lucky to find a therapist who was able to help.

 

Serena, I'm so so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. But I want to repeat 1000x what others have said. We hope things get better ASAP and start looking up, but we'll all be here in the mean time if you need anything. Life is a constant kick in the teeth and it can be really grim and bleak for a really long time but it's so important to not give up. It's not easy but it's so important. If there's anything I can do to help you through the rough patch you're in, please let me know.

 

Much love to everyone. The Shizz has been and remains one of the greatest things to ever enter my life. That was made even more apparent this MAG where I brought two non-shizzies and they were instantly welcomed and they kept constantly telling me how nice and awesome and friendly and great my friends are. I'm truly blessed to be able to call myself a shizzie. I think the worst of my most recent depressive episode is finally on the down slope and I feel like my anxiety isn't so crushing that all types of communication and interaction seem overwhelming. So I'm hoping I can be more active on here again. It's been too long.


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#4510 raubhimself

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 11:22 AM

Kind of tangentially related to depression/anxiety/etc, but recently I went to a sleep doctor and got a home sleep study done. Turns out I have "severe sleep apnea"! For the past few years I've felt like I barely get any sleep, no matter when I go to bed / wake up. I can't really remember when it started happening, but it's been a while. Most mornings I wake up and feel like I didn't really sleep. Many days this makes me feel like I'm in a real fog, like my brain and eyes can't wake up, and my eyes just want to close. On particularly bad days it just makes me feel extreme exhaustion. It doesn't really help with dealing with normal depression and anxiety issues that I have either. 

 

If you've ever roomed with me at Magfest or stayed at my house, you know I snore like a motherfucker. Poor daemon crashed here one time and woke up to what he thought was me vomiting like wild, but it was just me snoring. mrtame and I have bonded over this through the years, and we talked about sleep studies and stuff and magwest, which finally prompted me to see someone. I did a home sleep study which was pretty casual, just a few things you have to hook up to yourself and then you return the device, easy. When I followed up with my doctor I was pretty floored with the results after seeing the number of apnea events it recorder per hour. It explained why I always feel like I barely sleep, because I really don't get much solid sleep. 

 

Anyways, now I have a CPAP and it's been great. I'm still in the honeymoon phase of it, and I'm hoping it continues to help me like it has so far. I haven't felt the "fog" or extreme fatigue like I used to since I started using it, and the "fog" used to be a near daily thing. It's kind of like getting on an SSRI, I guess, in that an SSRI doesn't make you happy and cheerful, it just kind of stabilizes you. The CPAP so far just brings me back to what I think of as "normal". 


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#4511 mrtame

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 12:27 PM

Good on you Raub, everyone I know who’s gotten one said it changed their lives for the better. Man I gotta get on that! My insurance turned me down for one even though the sleep clinic said I had a severe case of sleep apnea. Gonna have to pay out of pocket for it
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#4512 MegaMatt

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 12:34 PM

I really think I should look into that. These days I feel more drowsy/foggy than ever and getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world when I feel like I've gotten no rest.

 

If it's not too personal a question, do you think you could break down all the expenses involved, from the initial appointment to now + anything ongoing?


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 Hooky fuck I picked a great taco Bell. The woman at the front of the line is painstakingly asking every price, she just ordered a cheesy horror crunch with just cheese and sorcery nothing else, Questor with just beef nothing else, one soft Teddi with 3x cheese, double sour Satan, nothing else. Quivering now the man behind her orders a taxi BVSc to Yusuf Khan, two tweaks with dignity Leuven and no beef??? And a cheesy fissure crunch with extra extra Chertsey and chickenpox nothing else. Fucking hell people it's taco vein not your last meal on earth


#4513 KarlGerm

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 12:54 PM

I'm glad it's been working out for you, Raub. I think I saw you post on facebook about a CPAP. I thought of you the other day when I happened to see a commercial about sinus infections caused by improperly cleaned CPAP machines. My Mom used to have to use one but I'm not sure if she still does. I don't know how real that commercial is about health concerns due to improperly cleaned CPAPs but something to keep in mind I guess.

 

I did a sleep study when I had a real bad bought with insomnia when I was like...21. Right out of college and right before I was about to enter the 9-5 life, I decided I needed to get it looked at and diagnosed and taken care of so I wasn't dead for work every day.

 

Long story short, it took me a month to finally get my results because I had to pick them up in person, I had just started a job and their office hours were 10-4 only on days I was working, more than an hour from my office. My first day off from work for a national holiday happened to be a month later when they were still opened. So I got my results, they told me I didn't have insomnia but that my heart was doing weird shit... they said I should probably see a doctor about it. Regarding a test that had taken place a month earlier lol. So I called my doctor, he was able to squeeze me in that day because it was heart related, ran an EKG and came back into the room and said "hmm...this is interesting... looks like you have Atrial Fibrillation. It's not uncommon for people to have this....over the age of 60. You're the youngest person I've ever seen with this. If I were you, I'd go to the ER. just to be safe."

So I went to the ER, got more tests and they confirmed I did, in fact, have A-Fib and no one knew why or how long that had been a thing. That greatly increased my chance of stroke and is a thing that could come back but after seeing a cardiologist, I was able to get it sorted. I was so depressed at that time in my life, I remember being bummed about knowing I had a heart problem because it meant I probably couldn't drink as much  and as excessively anymore which was the only way I coped with my depression at the time. I also distinctly remember taking the blood thinners I was prescribed by washing it down with a beer because my ability to give a fuck was so low. 

 

But anyway, I got that all sorted and have been good since. I go to the doctor's so rarely that who the fuck knows if/when I would have found out about that and what problems would have arose if I didn't get that sleep study.


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#4514 raubhimself

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 01:04 PM

I really think I should look into that. These days I feel more drowsy/foggy than ever and getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world when I feel like I've gotten no rest.

 

If it's not too personal a question, do you think you could break down all the expenses involved, from the initial appointment to now + anything ongoing?

It really depends on your insurance. I think telling you how much I ended up spending would be useless because it could be totally different for you. All said and done I had an appt with my GP, who referred me to the sleep doctor, who I had an initial consultation with, and a follow up after the home sleep study. So that's 3 visits, whatever your co-pay is. I'm not sure what the sleep study itself cost me to be honest, and the device depends on your insurance as well. 


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'the smuggest amongst us will always be the quickest to point out the most minor transgressions of others around them'- a quote i just made up and put quotes around to make it seem slightly fancier


#4515 Kirk

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 02:05 PM

I kind of just want to buy a cpap. Are there good knockoffs yet?
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