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Mystery Valence Theater 4000

reviews movies hatred despair other things optimism?

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#1 Valence

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 10:24 PM

Well, okay then.
 
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Let's start this off with Sherlock Holmes (2009) because that's the movie I watched. Yeah. 

 

The only connection I have to Sherlock Holmes is the one with Smaug and Bilbo Baggins and I bunch of PC games I've never played but got a sale anways, so I am by no means an expert of the Holmes mythology, characters and stories. Regardless, I love that fucking British show to death, so going in with the knowledge that this most certainly won't be like that and hopefully having lower expectations of the film would help me detach my brain from the awesomeness and come out of this movie not completely disappointed, or at the very least, not insulted into a blind, furious rant. 

 

Spoiler

 

So, in the end, I didn't really care for it but I understand why people find this movie entertaining. Some of the fight scenes are good. Some of the shots are good and some sequences are clever but I don't think it will be enough to sway you if you would rather have a more traditional Sherlock experience. 

 

I guess that means I have to watch the second one now. Joy. 


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#2 Demonstray

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Posted 28 July 2016 - 11:03 PM

I am loving this. Looking forward to the next MVT4K post!!!!


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#3 ErichWK

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 12:08 AM

Yessss
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I play drums, Make Video Games, and eat Hamburgers.


#4 Disposable Hero

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 10:06 AM

Weird though you bringing this one up, the sequel was just on last night and I watched most of it.


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#5 munzadeth

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 12:06 PM

Oh man keep these coming!  This is basically exactly how I feel watching all modern action movies.


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#6 nEwT

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 12:14 PM

get a blog!


no, seriously, get one! It would be a great blog :)


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Spoiler

Kain, only you can mention your mother's death and your new awesome MMX NES rom hack in one post... so condolences :( and high five :o


There's a big difference between a show being good and a shoe being enjoyable.


#7 Valence

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 06:34 PM

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Well, that was...a movie. Uhhh...yeah.

Suffice to say, I found it dreadfully boring. After seeing the first film and having the shock of Pit Fighter Holmes and the crazy set pieces...this was just dull to me. Part of the problem is the added emphasis of gun combat which was thankfully minimal in the first film but here it's pretty much the most dominant aspect of the film. It doesn't help that the movie is PG-13, which is fine okay whatever, but a gunfight without squibs is like sex without penetration; at that point, what the fuck are you even doing ? IT'S JUST SO POINTLESS.

 

Spoiler

 

So, worst than the first one BUT THAT'S JUST MY OPINION MAN.


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#8 Valence

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 06:17 PM

kingsman1-2_zpsqzeinkyw.jpg

Holy. Shit.

 

This movie is fucking amazing. I am not familiar with the source material so I have no idea if this is a "faithful" adaptation but holy fucking shit this movie is so goddamned good, especially if you just want to sit back, relax and watch a really tight and furious spy action movie full of gadgets and chases and some really fucking intense, holy-shit-what-the-fuck moments and I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY ONE OF THE MOVIES I BORROWED THIS WEEK WASN'T FUCKING AWFUL. Hooray for small miracles ! 

 

So yeah obviously I'm going to go through the movie a bit, so really really don't read on unless you have seen the film or if you just do not have a taste for rated R spy action movies which I can understand; not everything is everyone's cup of tea BUT KNOW THIS, you will miss out on one of the most hilariously awesome sequences of action movie violence you will probably see in your entire life so...keep that in mind. A bit hyperbolic ? Maybe, but more than once did this movie make my figurative jaw hit the floor with the batshit insanity the film presents.  

 

 

Spoiler

 

So yeah, I liked this one. Quite a bit. Especially when compared to what I watched earlier this week. Highly recommend.

 

 

 

   
 


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#9 Valence

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 06:54 PM

AW SHIT yeah I totally forgot to mention that ! Lot of awesome music in the movie, not only song choices but the original score is pretty great as well.


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#10 Demonstray

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Posted 30 July 2016 - 08:45 PM

So, can this thread never die? It's the Shizz's Greatest Hit but I hope it never has to be archived.
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#11 Valence

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Posted 03 August 2016 - 06:32 PM

Alright, so far these movies have been mostly borrowed from my sister's and her husband's collection of Blu-Rays and they have enjoyed my thoughts on said movies thus far (they don't know about this, I just tell them in person in much more simplified terms and with less colorful language etc etc) SO this week instead of me just picking out movies with some recommendations they picked out two while I picked out one. My sister picked...
 
thejoneses1_zpse3b22lsk.jpg
 

Now, usually I like to put the movie poster up there but felt compelled to put the box cover up instead because I want you to see what I saw when my goddamned sister handed me this abomination of a movie. I mean, just look at it. David D. just has the most punchable face in the universe here. I don't actually advocate for any violence but how can you not want to punch that face !?!? Demi Moore looks like she is wondering just what in the fuck does this photographer want me to do here and then they just snapped a picture and then just photoshopped it next to DD's super punchable face there. Done. WAY TO PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT I'M SO PROUD OF YOU THAT MONEY SIGN IS BRILLIANT AND IT'S THAT OLD IDIOM OR WHATEVER THE FUCK WHO CARES.

 

Not only that, but I wanted to show you this wonderful blurb on the cover. "SHARP, TIMELY AND VERY FUNNY!" 

 

She means sharp, as in, this movie's insight on society is smart, witty, clever, well implemented, something along those lines; when I hear the word sharp in relation to film, that's the kind of shit I think about. SHARP THIS MOVIE IS NOT. I can't even think of a sufficient simile to convey how fucking blunt with it's message this movie is. I'll have to give you "TIMELY" though; this movie does take place in time so in the most basic, bare bones sense yes, this movie is timely. 

 

I don't know where VERY FUNNY came from though. Seriously, this movie is not a comedy at all. There is one attempt at a joke in the beginning of the film and that's where the "funny" stops. There is no way that this movie could be perceived as a comedy. Now, that doesn't mean I wasn't laughing during the film, I most certainly was, but that's more because I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hated how far up it's own ass this movie was and had nothing to do with the "comedy" in the movie, because I have no fucking clue what you could find even remotely funny in this goddamned movie, Karen Durbin from Elle, you lied to me. So, before we start, I just want to give a big FUCK YOU to this movie, because I just LOVE watching movies where everyone is horrible, worthless sacks of shit. That just makes it funny right ?

 

Spoiler

 

"SHARP, TIMELY AND VERY FUNNY!" 

 

Hahahaha no just fuck you. This movie was terrible.


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#12 Eric Dude

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Posted 04 August 2016 - 12:03 AM

Well great, now I have to watch Kingsman. Thanks!!!!

 

Actually, yeah thanks. My wife kept saying we should watch it, but I was skeptical. I can now watch without reservations about it's quality.


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i cross'd a barrier into SCOOPvilLe yesterday and dunked with the best jammers and fresh dip ballers roundabout through an awesome bomb dunk party.


#13 Valence

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Posted 04 August 2016 - 05:40 PM

Next is my brother in law's pick, and honestly I wanted to see this movie anyways...
 
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I'm a sucker for Will Farrell. I'm not really ashamed to admit that. Even if the movie isn't that good he can always get a laugh out of me here and there and that's usually enough for me to walk out of the experience not hating life itself so I consider that a win. I also like Marky Mark and it's clear his comedy chops are unmatched with such films as The Happening under his belt. 

 

Expectations weren't too high on this one just because the premise just seemed sort of phoned in; it's predictability is expected so you can't really get upset with the movie when it follows the same arc that literally all other films that share this basic premise have. It's the details that matter here like please god let me laugh just a little in between meltdowns and just be watchable I don't ask for much here please...

 

It's...fine. It's fine.

 

Spoiler

 

It's not that great but it isn't the worst thing either. Some laughs to be had but not really missing much if you decide to pass on this. It's just...meh. 


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#14 joe.distort

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Posted 04 August 2016 - 05:53 PM

I didn't read the series KINGSMAN is based off of, but have read like 90% of the writers other stuff so, knowing his crazy he is, I went to see it. It was dope as fuck. *stupid* but awesome. And 'the craziest scene of violence* is indeed one of the best action sequences I can remember. Definitely agree w Valence on this one
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(it involves satan disguising himself as a bird who unlocks police cars!)

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#15 Demonstray

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Posted 04 August 2016 - 11:15 PM

So Valence, I can safely assume that Daddy's Home is really a prequel to Monster?
 

0_MonsterAnimeMainVisual.jpg


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