Look, I already know I'm pretty much going to be alone on this, and I just want to first apologize to everyone for this being the movie that bumps this thread; I doubt much enjoyment will be gained from reading it because I already went back and forth on doing this to begin with at the time of viewing, mainly because it was later in the evening and I didn't want to spend my entire night doing a write up (HAHAHA FUTURE ME HERE TELLING PAST ME TO GO FUCK HIMSELF) of it and the fact that it wouldn't be very entertaining because, I'm pretty much alone on this, so I canned the idea and just stated in the Disney Owns Star Wars thread that I didn't like it, which led to Frink asking the question of "why," and instead of spending an hour answering there I might as well add another two or three or four or five or six to that and do it sort of proper with all the other movies I've done here, for this sad, depressing revival of this thread. Sorry. Kinda weird that I haven't seen a movie since November of last year !?!? Jesus.
The movie really opens with a transport landing on a planet that I can't remember the name off, and in the next 5 minutes the movie will shift to like 3 or 4 different planets and space stations so HAVE FUN KEEPING EVERYTHING RIGHT IN YOUR HEAD but it's fine because literally none of those locations that they MADE SURE WE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE are of any importance at all, other than stuff just has to happen somewhere, might as well be in a random location that will just be left and forgotten just as quickly as they establish X was in Y and now ZED !
So, already things are not great. Little Jyn spots the transport and runs to her family and they gotta bail because the empire has found them. Hannibal Lecter tells his wife and daughter to go run and hide so he can do the noble thing to die or be captured or something. This scene also introduces us the Evil White Dude, which works in all regards because he always wears white AND he's a white dude ! So Evil White Dude wants Hannibal to come back, and he's like no and then his stupid wife ruins everything by wanting to help her husband but instead she dies and leaves her daughter to be stranded alone, so, GOOD CALL THERE LADY, you probably should have listened, even if you going back was noble you HAD TO KNOW you had NO CHANCE of winning shit right ? She dies, Little Jyn gets away and waits for Forest Whitaker to come get her, and Hannibal goes to work for the Empire, and here is where I have my first major problem with the story.
Let's think about this; this dude Hannibal is supposedly super important to the construction of the Death Star. Okay, fine. I know the Empire just wanted to go there and actually offer them a pretty sweet life in exchange for their Mega Murder Weapon to be built, so the intention wasn't to just go down there and coerce him through violence and death of his loved ones, but of course, threaten it. So, when things get shitty and the wife gets shot and dies and Jyn was going to be left for dead, why in the FUCK would Evil White Dude think Hannibal would cooperate with them ? You seriously think this apparent super genius isn't going to play the long con to fuck you over somehow !?!? How are you this fucking stupid ? OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO FUCK YOU OVER, PUT A LASER BOLT IN HIS HEAD AND THEN TRACK DOWN THE YOUNGLING AND DO THE SAME. I'm pretty sure you can finish the Death Star with someone else in the lead especially since later on you see he has a fucking team so yeah, sure, he would have been super fucking great to have at the helm of the project and probably would make it better and faster but why take that risk !?!? I suppose Evil White Dude was power hungry and eager to please the Empire and that made him make some foolish decisions so okay, fine, Evil White Dude gets a sort of pass for being a complete idiot here but later on this will not be the fucking case UGH.
So now we cut to somewhere, I can't remember where, but we meet another one of our "Heroes" that I like to call Casio Keyboard, because his name is Cassian but for the first hour everyone would slur the fuck out of his name so I couldn't even hear it and thought they named their character Casio, but obviously not. He is meeting a contact that tells him about the weapon and maybe drops the hint of the defector ? Look, here is another big problem of the film; it's really boring. The first hour is just not interesting and this is further mired by the terribly boring characters, so nothing really stands out until much later in the film. I know Casio murdered his own contact (WHAT A FLAWED HERO OMG I'M SURE THIS WILL PAY OFF LATER IN A TOTALLY SATISFYING ARC WHERE HE DOESN'T JUST MURDER HIS FRIENDS LOL) and then...ummmm...he needs to escape...uhhh...shit...Jyn gets free or wait, was she captured ? Well...huh. Yeah, I really can't remember the chain of events here. It's just...not there. I know she was taken by the Rebels at some point and was interrogated by Mon Mothma, which should have been the ONLY returning character from A New Hope, but I'll get more into that later and THAT'S where Casio and her team up and then go off to another place to find Forest Whitaker because he knows where her dad is or no, the Rebels know about the defector and they also know that he is with Forest Whitaker and even though they are all Rebels, apparently everyone is scared of Whitaker and his group ? But Jyn is there in, so off they go to Jeduh (I REMEMBERED ONE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY) to go looking for Whitaker.
I kinda hate these sequence of events. For one, it doesn't make any sense and DESPERATELY NEEDED A RE-WRITE, CHRIST because character motivations are just...off. They get to Jeduh and it's basically an occupied city because this is a war movie. They run into Donnie Yen, who is representing the Chinese Movie Market, who has a friend that protects him because Yip Man is blind and I assume they have a long backstory and deep friendship and respect for one another that could have made them the best characters in the movie but we can't have that no let's do absolutely fucking nothing with either of them and have them die in the dumbest fucking ways possible. Oh yeah, spoiler alert because EVERYONE FUCKING DIES.
So Yip Man is chanting The Force stuff to let us know everything we need to know about the character because that is all there is and it's all for nothing seriously fuck you movie and like they talk some words with Casio and Jyn and then some storm troopers want to take Yip Man into custody for something, like, not having the proper papers or some shit ? I don't know, does it matter ? No, because a fight breaks out, and OF COURSE, the storm troopers have to do probably one of my biggest pet peeves in movies; surround a motherfucker and then open fire.
Look, surrounding an opponent is a good thing. Firing upon said opponent is also a good thing. This starts to be a problem when you combine the two of these things because you are just going to shoot and murder the person directly across from you, even if you hit your actual target, you dumb stupid motherfuckers. I can't STAND that shit. I saw them circle him and I'm like they better not just fire on the unarmed blind guy in this formation and just subdue with melee oh wait no they have to be stupid. Why do they have to be stupid ?
So this scene could have been cool if it weren't for 2 REALLY big things; first, the aforementioned surrounding and murdering your own buddies and secondly, the fact that he is not force sensitive, at all. I know they imply heavily that he is one with the force but nothing in the film points to that being true, which is a fucking shame and renders this scene incredibly stupid. I know he couldn't be an ex Jedi in hiding that was blinded in an assassination attempt because then Vader would just sense him and murder him and ruin everything the moment he decides to do fucking anything, especially later in the film, so I get why they wouldn't want to go that route, since all the Jedi are dead at this point (sans a few, obv) and it might be a little cheesy to make one of the group an actual Jedi, blind or not.
In the scene, he flawlessly dodges laser fire while murdering everything with his staff, literally coming out unscathed. Then, two or three more dudes show up and his friend gets mad and FINALLY starts to help out however Friendo is pissed because he has to save his blind friend's ass all the time but no Friendo, wrong, WAY WRONG, he took out 95% of the storm troopers and all you managed to do was sit there slack jawed until some more dudes showed up out of Yip Man's kill range but yeah sure, fine, it was all you buddy. You know what would make his concern valid and actually make that character relationship make more sense ? HAVE YIP MAN FAIL. Obviously don't kill him right away, just make him into Jacky Chan where yeah, he's badass and all and takes a bunch of dudes out but he gets hurt, beat up, even bloodied, so have Yip Man get shot and need the intervention from Friendo and Friends thus justifying his little tirade. This will also solidify that no, he is not force sensitive, because he isn't, and that makes me so fucking mad but that's later....later................and that Friendo's frustrations with him are justified but despite that he sticks with him, making the entire duo more dynamic and relatable as human fucking beings. I LOVE that people complained about Rey being a "Mary Sue" character but NOT ONE FUCKING PEEP ABOUT THIS GROUP OF SUPER HUMAN UNTOUCHABLE BADASSES NOPE NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Let's shit on the actual characters in another film but just turn a blind eye because this one is dark and gritty and a super grimdark war movie because no war movies ever have good or relatable characters NOPE NOT A ONE ! Not even the blind guy can get hurt ? Fuck you, movie. Give me something to work with here because I'm fucking bored. There is no tension here because the characters are too fucking perfect and I don't even give a shit about them in the first place. Was that the point ? Since everyone pretty much knew everyone was going to die from the get go, did you just not give them anything so people wouldn't be too sad when everyone died in your depressing and grimdark war movie Star Wars movie !?!?!?
So let's talk about a few things because I get way too far off track here and just forget to mention them entirely; Casio's Robot and Grand Moff CGI-Head. Casio's Robot is there for comic relief, I guess, which doesn't work, at all, because everytime he says something "funny," the characters don't even fucking react to it, so why should I care ? Oh, that little joke about how Robot wants Jyn to die was for me !?!? Most of its lines ended with me thinking oh, that's supposed to be a joke I guess ? Okay... and it gets especially bad when they do the DON'T TELL ME THE ODDS thing. The attempt of levity, in my opinion, failed pretty miserably. It just felt off and out of place, much like Grand Moff CGI-Head. Hey, movie makers, we get it, people die and need to be recast. Just get somebody that looked close or OR OR don't even put him in the fucking film. He really didn't need to be there and his presence actually causes some problems on it's own. Fuck, just have Evil White Dude get murdered in the end and have him be the head of the project so when he dies it makes sense that a replacement would be needed, hence Tarkin, and just have it at the end as a little cameo from behind so you don't even need to bother with CGI. Just have the camera behind them sorta far back with them on the Death Star looking out into space, or even Alderaan. Don't even call attention to it, just have it there. Boom, I immediately made your film better with the simple removal of a character that literally didn't need to be there to begin with.
Anyways, back to Jeduh, because more stuff happens there, and a bigger fight broke out with the Rebels and Empire or maybe it was just the Empire and a different group that also hates the Empire, I don't care whatever, and there are explosions going off everywhere and it's just a total war movie and there is a child in the street just standing there crying because her parents are probably blown apart a few feet away from her so Jyn has to swoop in and save her. Fuck you movie. You seriously have to put children in danger just to make your audience feel like this situation is tense and has some weight to it ? HAHA jokes on you movie, I'm dead inside, so all I see is a cynical way to toy with the audience's emotions and all I can do is roll my fucking eyes because you couldn't be fucking bothered to give us characters to actually give a shit about because they are all one note boring characters.
WHATEVER, they go to find Forest Whitaker because not only does he know about her father, he has the defector's shit as well. So, uh, the group gets there and gets "captured" or something, why was Forest Whitaker holding Jyn's friends ? Is it a simple he did not know at the time of their relationship so lock em up orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr shitty writing just to get them next to the defector and make things super easy and convenient ? SPEAKING OF THE DEFECTOR, earlier in the film he goes looking for Forest Whitaker and he finally gets to him but he needs to make sure this dude is on the up and up, so he using this space octopus-slug thing to probe his mind and find the real whole complete truth. Here's the thing, I'm pretty sure Whitaker mumbles something about his mind being made useless by the process of this truth finding by the big space thing and when Casio Keyboard and Friends talk to him, this seems to be the case...or just until he's, you know, not affected by it anymore.
So now I have to discuss how this is totally fucking stupid and was written due to laziness and probably for a lack of creativity; why not have his mind be partially fucked ? You know, on a more permanent basis ? Instead of basically getting over it immediately after our team of Mary Sues That No One Complains About talks to him ? Like they are fucking magic or something ? OH SHIT THE FORCE no, get that fucking thought out of your head, Yip Man isn't force sensitive because that actually might make him interesting. So, okay, this pilot dude is sort of not all there anymore, but he's mostly there, and maybe it comes and goes. Maybe he needs to do something later in the film but can't because of the mind fucking he got earlier, and either that skill is gone or is being impeded in some way by said mind wipe, thus giving him something that needs to be overcome, thus making him more compelling and human. Maybe you could have that shit result in someone's death, thus fueling his resolve to get that message out or whatever and despite being the direct cause of another's demise due to his lack of action, he can still push through and accomplish his mission saving billions of lives, and while he is heartbroken over the lives directly effected by his actions, he knows in the end that those lives were not in vain. NOPE, can't have that, he's fine now, and he's just another normal boring character that actually had some potential to be just a little bit compelling. Instead, he's just a guy that plugged the ship to a thing later on, then died. This is me unfortunately not caring. At least he acted nervous and wasn't THE PERFECT SOLDIER like everyone else.
So Whitaker shows Jyn the hologram of her dad Hannibal Lecter and oh my god are those emotions I'm seeing ? So now we've had two emotions from Jyn; indifferent ambivalence and sadness. Hey, can we have the stupid robot say something funny so somebody at least cracks a fucking smile ? No ? Okay cool just checking...
Okay so Whitaker knows which station Jyn's dad is working at so they can go there and get the Death Star plans or find out where the plans are and GOOD GOING HANNIBAL, IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN THE DEFECTOR THE PLANS FROM THE GET GO THE WHOLE MOVIE WOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO HAPPEN AND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES WOULD BE SAVED !!! Instead, it's not that and the film continues.
During this time, I think Vader makes his first appearance, after he had his nice long bath of course, talking to Moth Man CGI-Head about the Death Star or maybe he's talking to Evil White Dude, I don't know, anyways, it's TIME FOR A DEMONSTRATION OF OUR NEW SUPER WEAPON and the target is Jeduh. At first someone wants to blow the whole fucking moon up or planet or wherever the fuck they are at but he's like "no, just blow up the ancient jedi city blah blah blah" and it was so. Good thing Whitaker and Friends are miles and miles away which gives them time to escape, except for Forest Whitaker, no he decided he didn't want to be in the movie anymore so he just said FUCK IT and let himself die. I can see of no other reason OTHER THAN SHITTY FUCKING GODDAMN WRITING for his character to make this choice. Allow me to explain.
So the blast goes off and Jyn is like COME WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and he replies "I'm done running." Usually when something like that is said, it's usually meant in a "I'm going to stand up this time and fight the good fight instead of running !" except here, he just wants to die. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, but why ? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to say "I'm done running" and go fight the Empire because he has been on the run and in hiding this entire fucking time !?!?!?!?!?!??!?! What is he done running from the giant fucking boulder that just murdered him ? Here is the especially fucked up part; they don't really imply too heavily that this mission is going to be a suicide mission, most likely yes but they ram HOPE down our throats at laughably stupid times so it's supposed to be a little more optimistic than rock bottom you are all going to die type mission. REGARDLESS, they pretty much know they are going to die so even if Whitaker wanted death because he lost his legs and he can't breathe well etc etc, wouldn't he want that death to mean something ? Not only to himself, but to his friend ? To the Rebels ? To try to fuck over the Empire ? Yeah, sure, he dies too with the rest of them in the end but it could have been doing something HEROIC instead of something STUPID like just standing there and letting yourself die when there was no fucking need for that. Hell, have him try to escape and have him die there but his death allows Captain Casio and the Dour Bunch a way to safety. At least that's something.
So now they go back to Yavin to the Rebels and have a chat and they debate whether or not this random as fuck woman is telling the truth or not. Our Murder Friend Casio is talking to another Rebel officer dude and he's like YOU GOT TO KILL THAT BITCH'S DAD and I'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why ? The Death Star is operational; killing him gets you absolutely nothing. Why is everyone in this movie so fucking stupid ? It might be possible that I'm putting this scene more ahead than it should, but still, Jyn was to go and get him and in the Rebel's eyes this mean go in a capture him and take him prisoner so if Jyn IS full of shit, NOW you have the MAIN FUCKING DUDE WHO BUILT IT AND YOU CAN TRY TO CONVINCE HIM TO GIVE THEM ALL THE SECRETS and they will be pleasantly surprised by how eager he is to fuck the Empire over BUT NO SURE KILL HIM JUST BECAUSE DRAMA WAR MOVIE GRIMDARK DAD IS GOING TO DIE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND THE REBELS ARE THE ONES GOING TO DO IT GET IT BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES BAD SHIT IN WAR TIMES LIKE A WAR MOVIE IS THIS DARK ENOUGH FOR YOU !?!?! Stop forcing this shit so hard, you can do this in a more clever manner you just have to try.
So they go there, and it's dark and raining and depressing, and just so many stupid things happen. First, they tease that Yip Man has force sense powers because now he can sense when Casio Murder Friend is going to go murder a friend ? What ? You really haven't been around him long enough to know what that would feel like and no, you aren't force sensitive, fucking stop it and if someone wants to prove me the fuck wrong and find some source or line of dialog that confirms that this motherfucker is supposed to be a force user, I will burst out laughing and shout "WELL THEY FUCKED THAT UP," because they totally did. Although Mind Wipe went with him but was sent back or wasn't there at the critical moment or something, I don't know. Jyn goes off on her own and decides to climb down a mountain in order to climb up a much taller giant ladder up to a landing platform. In the pouring rain. In the dark. She really loves her dad. At least we got that much from her, other than multiple cringe worthy speeches after moments before being all I don't give a shit about anything so I guess character growth ? Huh. Just a tad forced there, movie, not really the dad thing, but the whole I hate everything and the sudden shift to You have to hope to have hope and hope and hope hope fight with hope HOPE !
Meanwhile, Evil White Dude saunters up to Hannibal and is all like TEST SUCCESS, GO GET TEAM, so he gets his team and they are all standing in a nice row and he's like BAD NEWS, ONE OF YOU TRAITOR, WHO BE TRAITOR RAISE HAND and no one does because it's actually Hannibal and not any of the others because It's Hannibal and not one of the other lab team dudes it's Hannibal it's Hannibal it's fucking Hannibal you goddamn imbecile who else would orchestrate this shit especially seeing how DEATH STAR PLANS WOULD HAVE A PRETTY FUCKING HIGH CLEARANCE TO ACCESS, MANIPULATE OR FUCKING DO ANYTHING TO IT SO THE LIST OF POSSIBLE BETRAYERS I WOULD ASSUME WOULD BE RATHER SMALL I'm sorry I'm getting a little needlessly hung up on this point and I should probably cut it some slack but GOD. DAMN.
So nobody raises their hand, and Evil White Dude is all like K YOU ALL DIE and right before they all die Hannibal does the right thing and steps forward. Here is that tense moment because now Cool Kid Casio Keyboard has a clear shot at his totally explodable head and he has super orders to murder Jyn's father because war is war and Rebels are also dirty and war and dark and war, but he doesn't, and his arc from Murder Friend Man to Friendly Friend Man is complete. Evil White Dude orders Hannibal to be killed, but instead of killing Hannibal, he kills the rest of the team, for no fucking reason. I mean, I guess their deaths are on Hannibal's hands yadda yadda yadda but dude, he has been orchestrating this for years and fucked you over in more ways than you realize and you got him pretty much red handed and you just kill his team, the team that could continue making the Death Star even more Death Star but instead just fuck em, kill em, who cares about anything. The only way this works is if Evil White Dudes leaned in and told Hannibal that he was keeping him alive to show him all the deaths that would be caused by the weapon to further torment him until he literally broke but he didn't do that. At least I don't think he said that. If he did, I take that whole scene back...well most of it...parts of it...okay, just that little bit at the end there, because at least there was a motivation toward the action and it wasn't just completely stupid for the sake of nothing. Until more stupid happens goddamnit...
The Rebels are coming with their X-Wings and shit to fuck up the base, however they don't know that Jyn is on the platform. Nice Guy Casio phones in to Momma Mothma saying that Jyn is on the platform and that they shouldn't blow her up. Momma Mothma has some bad news though; the assault is already underway...oh my god so tense oh shit everyone is like freaked out because Jyn could die what HAVE THEY DONE !?!? Except, NO, THE ASSAULT WASN'T UNDERWAY, THEY WERE STILL ON THEIR WAY TO THE BASE AND NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM BEING ENGAGED IN ANY COMBAT. We are shown this. I get mad. Moth Woman could have said "FRIENDLIES IN THE TARGET ZONE. DISENGAGE ATTACK PATTERN AND SWITCH TO A HOLDING PATTERN. WAIT FOR MY MARK TO ENGAGE." Done. Take your time saving your dad and getting the fuck off the platform, Jyn ! Oh wait no, instead, Hannibal dies from friendly fire and Jyn has a good cry and I should be crying too, but I'm not, I'm just angry that they did that sequence so shitty that it makes no fucking sense. Good job, Rebels ! I guess the screen writer or the editor wanted to make you guys look imcompetant as fuck. I guess that's war though, huh ? There was nothing that could have been do-ah ahahAHAHAHAHHHAhHAHHHAhhAhHAHAHAHA.
They get back, Jyn gives a little speech but it's not effective so the Rebels are just going to do nothing because apparently they all have to do something together and the only other option is to die separately and that seemed more attractive. People don't want to go because the place with the plans is heavily fortified and blah blah blah. So our band of The Casio Keyboard Kid and the Funky Bunch decide to go ROGUE HAHAHAHA GET IT AND SINCE IT'S A SHIT THEY ARE STEALING AND THEY NEED A CALL SIGN AND IT'S THE ONLY SHIP OF COURSE IT'S ONE ROGUE ONE OMG THAT'S WHERE THE NAME OF THE MOVIE COMES FROM I'm sorry I'm being mean now.
So they go and because Sarcastic Robot is an Empire model and the Rogue One is an Empire ship they have a good chance of sneaking in this place. The planet or moon or whatever is surrounded by an impenetrable force field where every ship has to pass through a door to get down to the surface, which, if my memory serves correctly, also generates the shield, so pocket that little thought and keep that around because fucking goddamn mother fuck I'm going to bring this little tidbit up later.
Things go well, they get to the surface, steal some uniforms and pretty much get inside. The people outside do the whole diversion thingy while the main hero group obviously goes inside for the plans, obviously. You think they are going to send in Defector Mind Wipe ? Fuck no. Here's the thing; the whole disguise thing doesn't really come into play. I think it does, like, once, but I'm pretty sure that was at the end of the sequence when they get to the terminal they need to get to. Regardless, this whole end section needed a rework. The disguise parts could have been better, the battle outside could have been better, and the fucking space battle could have been better dear god fucking whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
While ALL THAT SHIT IS HAPPENING, word gets back to Momma Mothma that there is an assault happening on Scarif or wherever and she's like ALL IN BITCH and I'm like what, wait just because 10 random assholes went to assault the place doesn't mean that all the other Rebels are going to all of a sudden join the fight nevermind, they join the fight and EL OH EL, immediately fuck everything up by showing up which prompts the Empire to close the door on the force field and literally fuck everything up.
I want to take this moment to complain about them fucking up the Mon Calamari. They fucked up the Mon Calamari. How do you do that ? Seriously, this movie LITERALLY TAKES PLACE MOMENTS BEFORE A NEW HOPE THAT HAS MON CALAMARI IN IT THAT LOOK IN NO WAY LIKE THE MON CALAMARI HERE. YOU HAD ONE JOB, MOVIE; GET THE LOOK RIGHT. For the most part they succeed in that regard, BUT NOT FUCKING HERE for NO REASON. You somehow mad Vader's suit worse AND fucked up the Mon Calamari AND fucked up CGI-Head Man AND fucked up the last two goddamned minutes of this film ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...................
We get to the deaths of Yip Man and Friendo. This is where I got really mad because, like I said before, this duo could have been great but instead, not only is their arc horribly unsatisfying, but they die in the silliest ways. I really don't understand the sequence, but let's play by play this shit and I'll tell YOU how I would have done it. First things first, in order to do a thing the ground team needs to do a thing and then some other people need to do a thing and also Yip Man has to do a thing. His thing is in the form of a switch, on a console, in the middle of combat.
So Yip Man and some Friends are pinned in a place, and all looks lost. They hear over the space radio that they need to flip a switch so a thing can happen. Yip Man gets all hyped in the force and just spouts off I am the force the force is with me I think, I can't remember because I hate this so. fucking. much. and he starts to walk toward the switch. Wait, hold on, let me paint that better, he starts to SLOWLY WALK IN A STRAIGHT GODDAMNED LINE TOWARD A CONSOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING WARZONE. As he does his chanting slow walk, multiple storm troopers fail to connect any shots toward this slow moving blind man and it's not like, the force man because these shots are laughably nowhere near the target and the worst part is that no one is providing any sort of cover fire. Friendo is just yelling at Yip Man to come back. He doesn't, but it doesn't matter, the storm troopers can't hit shit and no, stop he's not force sensitive don't even and he eventually gets to the console and HOOOOOOOOORAY he flips the switch ! With the power of...slow walking...in a straight line....under heavy fire....without the use of the force at all....or any help for that matter....The Empire really needs to train their soldiers better. It gets even more embarrassing when a storm trooper shoots at him, misses but that miss connects with the console and shit around him and it just so happens to explode and THAT'S how Yip Man dies. Friendo is obviously upset at this and goes on a murder spree BUT OH NO, a storm trooper with a GRENADE ! THEY DON'T NEED TO AIM WITH THOSE but it's okay, because Friendo shoots him just before the trooper can throw it so good job- - wha- what !?!? Wait, it explodes where the trooper was standing on top of a little ledge hill thing and it still killed Friendo ? FUCKING HOW !?!?! If that is the blast radius of that particular grenade then WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT STUPID TROOPER THINKING !?!?! Oh I'll stand on this little hill and throw it at the giant Death Gun Man blowing both of us up at the process because he is already way way WAY TOO CLOSE !?!? Why is everything so fucking stupid !?!?!?!
That was them, this is mine:
Chirrut hides behind cover, his friend Baze behind him, worried for his friend, for everyone. The call comes over the radio, the switch must be turned on, the signal must go through ! A random nobody we don't care about steps out and immediately gets shot and killed (okay, that's what the movie did, but sure why the hell not), making this already tense situation even more tenser. The switch needs to be flipped, but it might be impossible. A calm washes over Chirrut as his posture changes. Baze knows what he is about to do, he has seen this many times before but this time, true fear comes over Baze. This time, death awaits them both. Chirrut starts his chant and walks toward the console. To Baze, this is another foolish choice by his friend, but this feels different to Chirrut; things around him are clearer, sharper and a small smile forms on his face. A trooper fires a Laser Rifle straight at Chirrut, sure to hit his leg, but as it approaches, it is pushed away, grazing his clothing. Baze, face red from screaming at Chirrut, is stunned. While the deflection was slight, Baze saw it and realizes what that means. Another shot rings out heading again at Chirrut, again straight for the leg, it connects as Chirrut falls to the ground. Baze snaps in fury and runs out toward Chirrut, shooting a hail storm of death at every trooper he sees. Chirrut struggles to get up, stands, laser hits him again and he falls onto his knees. Baze murders THE HELL OUT OF THAT TROOPER and continues to his friend, his wonderful foolish friend, and takes one to the shoulder to stumble to the ground a few meters away from his friend. Chirrut once again tries to get up and is hit yet again and slumps over holding his staff. Baze screams and gets to his feet and just starts MURDERING EVERYTHING and he gets hit in the armor and HE STILL STANDS while mowing down more troopers SHUT UP YOU KNOW THIS IS AWESOME. Chirrut slowly raises his head and looks toward the console. He raises a bit higher by propping up on the staff, and he sees the switch. He can feel it. He smiles again. Baze notices his friend is moving, still alive. He sees the look on his face. He knows. Baze gets hit and falls down next to Chirrut, still providing cover fire for his friend. Bodhi screams over the coms, THE SWITCH NEEDS TO BE TURNED ON. Baze cannot get up. He looks over to Chirrut and says You got this ? Chirrut smiles as he stretches out and extends his hand.
HARD CUT to DARTH VADER on a Star Destroyer surveying the battle and he senses the force and for just a brief moment he thinks of something else, something that would come in another set of films perhaps but realizes that it is much too weak and unfamiliar but it is a force user and it is close by.
CUT TO Chirrut's outstretched hand as he chants and CUT TO the switch handle as it sort of moves CUT TO Baze destroying people and getting shot CUT TO Chirrut chanting faster CUT TO handle moving a bit more but he can't get it to move all the way until finally he gives it one last push forward, flipping the switch, falling over forward on the ground, head on the ground, face looking at Baze. Baze looks down on Chirrut fearing the worst, knees down toward him. Baze says "You did it, you really did it," as Chirrut smiles. "Thank you for believing in me, my friend," Chirrut responds as he reaches out to grab Baze's hand, "and for staying by my side." A storm trooper runs, grenade in hand, and throws it to destroy the transmitter. Baze looks at Chirrut and says "I will always be by your side, my friend." The grenade lands next to the transmitter and detonates, engulfing the entire area in flame, consuming all.
CUT TO DARTH VADER, he feels the source of the force fade away into nothing and does something completely different than what the movie did, because that was terrible.
That scene also takes into account that he actually got hurt during the first battle on Jeduh, of course.
Seriously though, pointless narcissism aside, wouldn't that be better ? Those characters got to have an arc, complete said arc and grow as individuals ! Not only that, but this particular bond would be shown repeatedly and grow each time, which makes us care, which would make us cry when they fucking die, which means you did a good job with your characters. YOU PUT FUCKING HUMANITY IN YOUR MOVIE ! But nope, didn't get that, instead Yip Man died from a stray laser shot that just happened to cause an explosion that just happened to be enough to kill him and then the Magic Murder Grenade offs Friendo.
SO ANYWAY LET'S TALK ABOUT THE SPACE BATTLE because I'm losing my goddamned mind fuuuuuuck I just want this to be over why did I do this to myself again I told myself I would be short and succinct and just hit the big things AHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH fuck goddamnit fuck this is sooooooooooo fucking long gooooooooooddddaaaamnnit trust me this is helping a bit, me just sitting here mumbling that shit to myself just isnt' cutting it and this makes it more real okay cool good.
Space battle. Rebels come in, some X-Wings get through while other don't, and the door is closed. The above nonsense was all in service of getting a message out to Non-Mon Calamari to tell THEM to open the door so they can send the Death Star plans to the ship; they must take out that shield !!! You want to know how much FUCKING TIME GOES BY until this happens ? It's a lot. A lot happens in between the time that they figure out that they need to tell them to get the shields down and the message goes out and is received. My question is this: Why wasn't that thing the main target anyways ??? WHY DID THEY NEED TO GET TOLD TO SHOOT THE SHIELD GENERATOR SO THEY COULD DO LITERALLY ANYTHING TO THIS BASE !?!?!?! Who the fuck is the tactician here !?!?!? Now, they do "attack the shield" but they LITERALLY ATTACK THE SHIELD AND NOT THE THING GENERATING IT GODDAMNIT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT !?!?!?
WHATEVER GOT TO MOVE ON TO MORE STUPID OR I'LL BE HERE ALL FUCKING NIGHT so there's a Star Destroyer that is disabled so they get the bright idea to use it to ram the fucking thing which, GREAT YES THAT'S that's good, okay good yes...good...but then I had to fucking think, and then I was like oh, they are going to get a bunch of Corvettes or maybe Cruisers and use their tractor beams to guide it in and X-Wings will come in to protect to Cruisers and shit and this will be good but then they didn't do that. Nope. They decided to take one Corrilean Corvette or whatever the fuck it's called and just ram the fucking thing into it, because I guess this utter stupidity makes it more exciting. Fuck me. I mean, they couldn't have even just gone up to it slowly, made gentle contact to get in place AND THEN PUSH IT !?!? NO, THE ONE TINY AS FUCK SHIP HAS TO RAM IT AT SPEED AND NOT ONLY PUSH IT EVEN THOUGH THIS MANEUVER WOULD HAVE DESTROYED THE SHIP BUT WHATEVER IT ALSO PUSHES THAT STAR DESTROYER INTO ANOTHER GODDAMNED STAR DESTROYER BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT AS THEY ALL GET PUSHED INTO THE SHIELD THING AND THE SHIELD IS DOWN BUT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS UP AND I FEEL A POP INSIDE MY BRAIN.
Oh GODDAMNIT, I forgot to talk about Jyn and Casio Keyboard and Robot's Adventure in the Base oh god fuck me. So they don't even really need to do much sneaking or subterfuge. The robot knocks out another robot and reads his brain and there was this one time where storm troopers ran by and they had to step aside. That's it. They get to where they need to go with Robot at the controls guiding TEAM KEYBOARD to get the files, because for some reason none of those files can be accessed in an easy fashion because that wouldn't be dramatic or anything BUT I'M GOING TO LET THIS SLIDE AND JUST ASSUME THIS IS FOR SECURITY PURPOSES FOR THE SAKE OF MY FUCKING SANITY. So they have to manipulate these weird controls just to grab the fucking thing but they need to find it but the Robot is getting shot so he seals them in, tells them to get the shit and climb up the tower to send the message and then dies a heroes death. I don't mind this death, not because I didn't like the character or anything and I'm not sad about, no at least he died doing something heroic.
So they are looking for the files in a certain directory or something and instead of being called PLANS TO THE DEATH STAR, it's called STARDUST or something because that's what Hannibal called his daughter or something and wow way to fucking blow it dude, what if your daughter DIDN'T MAKE IT THIS FAR !?!?! You think anyone else knows that little tid bit about you two and could make THAT FUCKING CONNECTION !?!?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So they get the thing, which, looks like a hard drive. Like, one of our human normal hard drives. Anyone else bothered by this ? Why the fuck is everything all Star Wars'd up EXCEPT that thing ? Did they just need SOMETHING so they just sent a guy to good 'ol Fry's Electronics so they can throw together a fucking prop ? WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE IT LOOK SPECIAL !?!? WHY THIS ONE THING !??!?
They start to climb up the tower but Evil White Dude is on his way to stop them and he almost does and Casio seems to die except he doesn't and then Jyn has to make her way through the door EXCEPT IT COULD CUT HER IN HALF OOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOO why in the FUCK IS IT DOING THAT WHAT FUNCTION DOES THAT SERVE !?!?!? WHATEVER, she gets up there, a tie fighter shoots at her for no real reason, I guess it's feasible that they now know their plan but whatever and Evil White Dude confronts Jyn and he's like WHO ARE YOU and she's like I'M HANNIBALS DAUGHTER and he's like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT WELL NOW I GET TO KILL YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH but then CASIO COMES BACK TO LIFE TO SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK HOORAY !!! THEY PUT IN THE HARD DRIVE AND THE SIGNAL GOES OUT AND THE SHIELD GOES DOWN BECAUSE STUPID AND THEY GET THE DEATH STAR PLANS OH DEAR GOD IT'S ALMOST OVER MY FUCKING HANDS HURT GOOD FUCKING GOD WHY DID I DO THIS !?!?!?!?!?!!
And then we get to the last 2 or so minutes of the film. And I hate it.
I don't understand the reasoning about this. Okay, I get it, fucking fan service and now you can make more fucking toys of Vader and make a ton of fucking money on that. I'm so fucking glad I didn't see this in the theatre; the collective cumshots from everyone seeing Vader with his fucking lightsaber would have been the end of my soul, my very being.
They get the plans but obviously, they need to get those plans as far away as possible. They download it to a card and they start to hand it off to one person after another to get it to it's final destination. Vader boards the ship and he wants that shit soooooooo bad. He goes FUCKING APESHIT and is just laser swording people and force murdering mother fuckers and to make it even more like a fucking horror movie, they have a door jam just enough so nobody can get through, but maybe, if they are smart enough, they will just pass the card and accept their deaths, and that is what happens. However it's shot like a fucking Xenomorph is coming after them so I got A NICE CHUCKLE OUT OF THAT. They finally get the card to safety as we see a Corillean Corvette or whatever the fuck disengage from the cruiser and...oh no...no no no no no....please don't do it...not like this....no....and then....and then some dude.....some dude gives the card to a CGI young Leia Organa and...she says something about hope...and then I died inside. This whole sequence absolutely ruins the beginning of A New Hope. Let's do this quick. One, WHY WAS LEIA ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FIGHT AT ALL !?!? OH THEY NEEDED EVERYONE THERE !?!? SERIOUSLY !?!?! SHE IS SORT OF IMPORTANT SO KEEPING HER AWAY FROM IMMEDIATE DANGER WOULD BE KIND OF WISE. Two, if Darth Vader went all MURDER MAN CRAZY IN ROGUE ONE and they KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT WHICH SHIP HAS THE PLANS, NO DOUBT IN ANYONES MIND, THEN WHY WOULD'T HE GO FUCKING APESHIT IN A NEW HOPE !?!?! Why is there restraint and dialog and just the semblance of diplomacy ? Sure he choked a dude to death BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN USE THE FORCE FOR THAT SHIT, he just physically grabbed him and strangled him. He didn't take out his light saber and carve everyone into little fucking pieces. WHY THE CHANGE OF HEART VADER !?!? Especially since YOU NOW KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE ORGANA FAMILY IS AGAINST THE EMPIRE AND YET IN A NEW HOPE, HE'S JUST ACCUSING AND SEEMS TO NOT KNOW FOR SURE ? Why is he even TALKING TO HER !?!? Oh wait, is it because that movie wanted to build characters and motivations and develop story WHILE THIS IS JUST FAN SERVICE BULLSHIT FOR THE SAKE OF FAN SERVICE BULLSHIT.
A much BETTER solution is that her Corvette is somewhere close, but safe. They get the plans and since that particular ship is being boarded by MURDER VADER MAN AND CREW they decide to not stand in fight but take to the escape pods. They make as many copies of the plans as they can (2, 3 at most) and hand them to different crew. They are each sent out in the pods in different directions but towards safe spaces. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew also mans the pods and fires off, hoping to lead the Empire off. We see two of the three die but the one escapes with the plans and is intercepted by Leia's Corvette. The Empire, having defeated the Rebels by destroying their own people and base with the Death Star, because that makes sense, killing everyone down there, Jyn and Casio Keyboard included, and they embrace and it's supposed to be sad but I'm just tired and a little delirious so I don't really care and it's kinda hard to care ANYWAYS, with that said and done, they split up and go towards the pods, and Vader's Star Destroyer goes toward the correct one, because the force, and that's a valid answer in this universe, just ask George Lucas LAWL THE PREQUELS SUCK but that ending would have made way more sense especially since they wanted this movie to literally have it's tip in A New Hope, and that makes that transition a lot smoother and more acceptable, in my eyes.
So, to recap, I didn't like the story and I found the characters to be boring and rather flat. Too many characters acted in conflicting ways or were just outright stupid. The movie is also poorly paced and boring in general and rather long. The first hour is tedious and yeah, the final battle is cool if you like what they did with it, but obviously, that is not the case for me. There were some good things about this and I can give them props for trying something different but this is a big miss for me. Those last two minutes were just terrible. The CGI heads were terrible. Some characters just didn't need to be there. I'm obviously not knocking anyone for liking it either, that would be dumb, but this movie pushed all the wrong buttons for me. I wanted something with some heart in it, some life, some earned levity and some more humanity, a connection between the characters. If it did it for you, that's awesome; it just didn't do it for me, because when I saw the last shot of the film, I was both enraged and happy at the same time; one of those I HATE THIS and I LOVE THIS moments. I was crying because I was laughing with that tinge of genuine Star Wars joy, but then those turned into sad tears, because I realized that I didn't like it at all, that those negatives far outweighed the positives and I felt really bad about that. Now I need to get something to eat and pass out into a coma.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.