About three or so weeks ago I was sitting in my living room, hunched over, thinking about nothing when a sharp pain emerged in my lower right abdomen. The pain moved to and fro, from going into my thigh (to my knowledge, no gastrointestinal tract reaches into thigh meat), to my right testicle, pulling and aching it like if your scrotum was gorked up into hand pulled noodles, to my lower right area near the hip/groin tendon, to the omphalos of my gut. All around, traveling my body. I had extreme anxiety about this pain, thinking it to be a hernia or appendicitis, and it may even still be possible. However, I had had this pain before a number of years back and went to a doctor and he just said I was all constipated up.
I suffered for about a week of disturbingly mild and infrequent shits; some came hard and rapid, like a grown ass man turning into a baby at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Others were small, shriveled, weak serpents, like trying to play Snake Rattle 'n' Roll sober.
I then began my usual treatment regime of eating every supplement and medicine in sight. I used some Exlax again, all it did was depth charge my toilet 6 times in a row on a painful Saturday. I tried some fiber supplements along with loads of oils slathered on all foods; eating spinach and kale and cauliflowers by the hogshead. No results, really.
The solution came on a whim but was welcome - 4-5 meatballs, all the size of fully grown cantaloupes. There were no drastic results in the real world, but the bacteria in my gut must have been pleased with the passage of these orbs, as the pain disappeared as quickly as it came.
Thereby I recommend finding or making some giant meatballs or anything huge and round and eating them quickly until you get very sick, whichafter lying on the ground for a bit, will roll through your guts like the large bowling balls in Super Mario World you can spin jump on, or perhaps they are the marbles that survive the wave terrain green carpet in Marble Madness. Then your guts will feel better.