Depression And Other Social Issues
Posted 23 April 2019 - 11:42 PM
never say die. never stop trying to better ourselves. what happened to sean...no doubt this is rocking us to our cores and in such ways we will need plenty of time to internalize as well as externalize. but we have to continue to try and do our best, for one another, every day. here and there and in every facet of our lives. i understand i have caused many of you guys grief in the past and for each and every one of you, for sean, kain, eli, sarah, mike, brandon, for each and every all-one soul that we will and have known in the time we have here, until my own dying breath, i will do all that i can to make amends and undo any hurt and show the support that you all have shown to me, this i vow.
the last 4 or 5 years of my life have been quite challenging for me. challenging in both good ways and bad ways. my parents divorced in their mid 70s, my mom's mental as well as her physical health has diminished drastically and i have to tend to her in myriad ways that is very dynamic and can be different from day to day.. im heavily struggling and somehow in that struggle i feel the character of becoming a better and stronger person than i once was growing, maturing, seeing and appreciating life for what it is and can be. im improving so many skills of all different types that i can feel the benefit that this great loss of such a sweet person gives me pause to appreciate the life i and we created, and share together. in all different ways. last week, a livestreaming friend's entire family was in a car accident that left their business partner dead and their mother in critical condition, everyone in the vehicle was hurt in some way. it was someone attempting to flee from police that ran into 4 cars. life is and can often be so fleeting that we must cherish and respect this time for everything its worth, crimson is absolutely right. i know and appreciate so many people from all over the world, and have such a wide network of people who care and embrace me that i am truly blessed to have lived the life i've lived. if i didnt wake up tomorrow, i would be completely satisfied.
i pray every night and meditate often, and think about so many different things, facets and philosophies and teachings of life in order to clear my mind, clear my soul and get through the day that ive made for myself, but i wouldnt trade it for the world, i wouldnt change anything. every single bit of it is whats made me who i am. enjoy these things that ill share with you now. the first is all megaman, very comprehensive rundown in there with slight improvisations from what you remember from the tss 4 piece days even. the second is almost all virt, from shovel knight and bloodstained with megaman vr in the middle. from today, or now yesterday is freestyle chip to try and cheer or brighten myself up from the news of sean's death. ill do more of a tribute tomorrow after i give myself time to think of an absolutely majestic playlist of stuff that he would like the most. dm's are open, if you want to share with me some of his fave vgm for me to try out, im all ears. at this point the sky's the limit with me. these are tributes to the gispert, schainberg, and babbitt families and its been a true struggle to keep going after 1600+ days in a row, but like i said, i have to keep going, side by side, with all of you guys. i love you guys, and ill always love you guys.
Posted 24 April 2019 - 01:17 AM
I know I can be very obnoxious and naïve, say some very frustrating and outright ignorant shit a lot of the time, but you've all been the best people with who I could ever have hoped to meet or converse.
I just wanted it to be known that through the good times and the bad, my love for you all as a community and as individuals is ever present and can never diminish.
You don't see me going to ice cream socials and not eating ice cream and socializing.
Posted 24 April 2019 - 11:52 AM
I just said something like this to Robby in a text but, the weight of it right now sort of makes me feel like not participating in life any more but also what an insulting stain that would be on Sean's legacy of homie empowerment and self-improvement. I don't mean like, suicide, but just more like give up and get old and fat and kind of check out. But instead, I will continue to work to self-improve and rock and love, partly now in his memory.
Every minute you have is a gift, make the most of it and nevar say die.
Agreed on all levels. I need to get my ass in gear, I've kinda always been a cynical fuck, and for the most part I've grown out of that, but there's still more work to be done on myself.
AND, AS ALWAYS, I love you all very much.
Posted 24 April 2019 - 12:38 PM
Joe, it was great to finally meet you in person. You're a funny dude and I got the warm and fuzzies right away.
same! that weekend felt like a whirlwind, and in relation to the thread, those dates used to be very, very hard for me. its nice to replace bad memories with new good ones, which is something i've been doing a lot in the last year
Posted 24 April 2019 - 05:20 PM
ShawnPhase, thank you for the c&s stock reports above. ive been watching them and just picturing in my mind daemon's wild hair whipping all over as he headbangs to the megaman tunes live. i started crying immediately. love and miss you all
Why the fuck cant I see when I close my eyes?
Posted 24 April 2019 - 07:51 PM
it is my pleasure brotha. anything i can do to take ya'lls mind off this tragedy. i did this one today if you want a lil more. its all songs by my friends kfaraday and razerek, two of what i feel to be the most incredible chipmusicians of all time next to shnab and jake...i needed to play some happy yet high energy and frantic stuff to get control of the rest of my day..the good thing about this stuff for me is that i can do what fits my mood to deal with my emotions on the longterm, and after all this playing ive done i can focus to do some really unimaginable stuff.
this is 17 songs of completely abstract chiptunes, 4 of em i did for the first time. i felt a bit better after this, but maybe an hour or so after finishing i of course started breaking down again. ill take what peace i can get where i can get it. if it helps anybody else out there, im happy to lay it on yas. hugs man.
Posted 25 April 2019 - 07:24 AM
I've been having a lot of trouble with Sean's passing. In particular, the last few months have been grindingly exhausting. I'm not acclimating well to Pittsburgh, I'm super depressed about everything I went through over the last year, and just in general feel like I've been served a big helping of "nothing you do will matter. No matter how hard you try, the things you care about the most will fail."
On top of that, Sean gets killed. Violently. Without reason. I've had friends die by violence in the past, and have been involved in situations where a number of other people have died violently, but this one is particularly impactful. He didn't deserve it, and it's horrible to see how much everyone else is hit by it. I hate to make this about me, because it's not about me, but it came at pretty much the worst time for me. I've always tried to be supportive of other people, and to be the one that others can rely on when things go bad, but I'm just exhausted right now. Most of my faith in things getting better is gone. It feels like the life lesson about things just getting worse and worse has been hammered into me over and over, and I don't know what to do besides just continuing to go through the motions and hope it gets better.
Good lord, the fucking
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Posted 25 April 2019 - 02:40 PM
one thing that is important to remember, as cheesy and corny and cliche as it sounds is this, and it rings true with every day that passes in my life, every person ive cared about who passes on, just the same as every time i am blessed. god and the lives we live will never put more on us than we can endure. of course it doesnt help matters in the moment to fully subscribe to this m.o. but what is important to always remember is our ability to push way negativity and adversity when we feel it seeping in and gaining control of our psyche. we are all here together, so many people wandering through life simply dont have the support or tight knit communities we are a part of. truly be blessed in this and knowing that you will face many times many different things that will try your soul. its how we get through it and make the most of it that builds our character and helps us grow as people, and in turn, to help and to heal others. keep on truckin erik, you're a great dude and you truly care to put your best foot forward, again and again. all you guys are.
'hell is in the here and now. so is heaven. dont worry about hell or dreaming about heaven, as they are both present inside this very moment. every time we fall in love, we ascend to heaven. every time we hate, envy, or fight someone, we tumble straight into the fires of hell.'
Posted 25 April 2019 - 05:19 PM
I love all you people.
In the long years of struggling with depression and hopelessness and loneliness, theshizz was always there for me and you all are theshizz. I was so looking forward to seeing Sean at MagWest this year, hanging with him late into the night as we ate our body weight in burritos.
Thank you all for being here and for being the kind of people that you are. I want to make deeper connections with you all just out of sheer appreciation for what sort of people you are and am a bit embarrassed for not having done so sooner.
Posted 25 April 2019 - 05:30 PM
I posted something similar on facebook last night but wanted to expand a bit here. There's a lot of heavy stuff happening in my orbit right now. I know in some of those instances my pain pales in comparison with others, but that doesn't make it any less valid and I shouldn't feel guilty for thinking about myself. Sean's death is is about all of us and we're all feeling it in our own ways. Erik, you have every right to make this "about you" because your grief is hitting you in a specific place. None of us needs to bottle our feelings up because someone has it worse off than we do.
At the same time there is a lot of good happening. For myself I'm specifically thinking about how my second child was born last Monday. He came six weeks early and had a short stay in the NICU - which was scary to say the least - but it's a tremendous joy to have him home and in my life. Then these heavier things keep happening, too, and there's temptation to feel guilty about being happy about something else. But it's not an either/or. I can grieve Sean AND be overjoyed about my son. One doesn't take away from the other, and I shouldn't feel guilty about my emotions.
There's more I want to say but they're not quite forming into words at this point. So I'll just leave it at that.
and maybe even bring your lovable friend ratboy. or evilsonic, whatever his name is.
Posted 25 April 2019 - 05:54 PM
I've been going through some of my own stuff over the last seven months or so (two big changes at once set it in motion), and the release of Devin Townsend's "Empath" album last month started me on the way back around to a more positive experience.
The album is basically an anti-suicide statement in saying that there is the beautiful and the ugly, and that we should appreciate that both of those things will never go away. There will be beautiful days and there will be hideous days, but we all have the strength to endure, because we're all in this together.
The last line of the album is extremely poignant, as it sums up the album and the sentiment well:
"If you can't shine for you friend, please shine for me!"
Shizzies nevar say die!
Posted 25 April 2019 - 08:41 PM
I totally agree, and though I wish this horrible situation had never happened, it inspires me to live life as Sean did - always keeping positive and bringing other people up in the face of adversity.
Shizzies nevar say die!
My sentiments as well. I've been really re-evaluating myself and how I want to live my life going forward. Nevar Say Die.
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