I don't really post in this thread, nor do I talk to people about myself that much, but every once in a while I'm put in positions where my anxieties and depression start spiking, and the way I usually deal with this is to get into my own head and do my best to untangle the knots and try to resume normal life. Maybe it might help to get things out of my head and onto the internet? Right now is a time when everything seems to be coalescing in many ways for me and for the world. I'm about to be a dad and reflecting on my life to this point is such a maddening trip. I've gone through so much that it makes me feel like I've lived a lot longer than just my 39 years.
Thinking about where I've come from and where I am now, spending so much time on theshizz with you all, I never would have imagined it. I grew up really badly in some ways, I survived a series of very violent sexual assaults when I was little, and trying to grow up as normally as I could after that wasn't working. I had developed a severe stutter that, along with my shitty foreigner English and other factors, made me the target for bullying and in turn reacting very violently to that bullying. Around the 6th grade I decided that I would give myself till age 21 and then I was going to commit suicide, until then I'd study people and try to form some kind of personality to replace everything that I lost. I spent those years observing people and making all kinds of friends, getting into tons of trouble and doing all manner of dangerous and illegal things. I was a very violent kid and I'd get into fights constantly, as well as doing things that had me running from police on more than a few occasions. I started getting older and was gonna start approaching the end of my life as I had it planned, I didn't want to leave my family but I didn't have a choice since the way I was turning out was not correct. I could enjoy my time at home and spend it loving them all, having fun playing games with my brother and watching my baby sister grow up, but in my mind those pleasures weren't anything I had earned, so I felt like a thief too,
I met Tina around that time, and she was my first love, the way she talked to me and treated me gave me a reason to reconsider everything I was going to do, so I chose to live my life. My anger didn't slow down any, though, I had been letting it explode all over in every aspect of my life, and the newest way I found to express it was on the internet. It was a brand new thing to people my age, and for the first few years I used it innocently, having light-hearted fun making MIDIs, downloading roms and low-res porno, but as my anger and depression developed even deeper I used the internet to vent it at everything and everyone, regardless of any logical reasoning behind it, I just had to get back at people who were expressing their anger at me online. I evolved from walking around with cuts, bruises and bloody knuckles to walking around with a planned flame post to type out soon as I got home. Some of you who knew me early on, 15-20 years ago, can remember how mean spirited and spiteful I was online. Even when I joined theshizz I was just being a huge dick whenever I could, trolling and trying to be as offensive and mean as possible. The few of you who got to know me personally would all say what a nice guy I was, but was I really a nice guy if I just let myself run amok with hatred, sexism, racism, homophobia and whatever else I was spouting? I think back on how unhinged the early internet was, and how easy it would be to disregard is as ancient history, but I can't help but feel responsible for all the hatred that I released onto it regardless of contexts or reasonings. It's taken me so many years to build the correct sets of anger management skills and coping mechanisms to manage depression and keep reminding myself that I chose this path through life for a reason.
The thing that gets me though, is that my behavior online was just not acceptable at all in many ways, and of all the places I've been to it's been you guys who chose to keep giving me chances to get a better handle on myself and start communicating on here with more honest thoughts and feelings, and I honestly don't know why. Granted there are a few of us on here who fall into categories of "why isn't this person shunned and banned" (even though I WAS banned and came back) but the fact that I've been accepted as a person of some value to you all means more to me than I can ever express. Now that my life is preparing to make such a change I can't help but feel like I need to tie up a lot of loose ends and move forward, but it's such an overwhelming thing to deal with. I've always been deeply depressed and trying to deal with the anger and guilt of what I went through is going to be a challenge for the rest of my life, I'm very proud of myself for coming as far as I have, but I feel like it's been at the cost of so much positivity I've drowned out that I have an enormous amount of personal healing to facilitate going forward. Not sure why I'm choosing to post this here, I usually just keep these thoughts in my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll regret it.