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Depression And Other Social Issues


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#4831 Sindra

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Posted 19 May 2020 - 10:26 AM

I hate to bump this thread but I’m having a pretty shitty day and could use some positive thoughts. The future seems a little bleak right now. I’m treading water but I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to look forward to or work towards. Went on a huge nostalgia dive this morning (somehow managed to unearth the Geocities page I made as a teenager in 1997 after a crazy amount of digging) but it had the side effect of making me feel like time is flying by and lately I don’t feel like I have much to show for it. Is this a mid life crisis?

It's funny. I had a dream last night I was back in grade school and woke up with a strong thought process of "What could I have done differently that would have made me better off?". So similar to what you felt. I think it's super easy to fall into this way of thinking with what's currently going on in the world.

 

I don't think it's a mid-life crisis, so much as a "I have nothing else to really focus on right now so this prevailing thought is taking hold". I honestly think it's a good chunk of us feeling that way right now too, so you're not alone. <3

 

You're an awesome dude and it was fantastic to get to chill with you for a bit at VGMcon, and lord knows there will be more of that in the future once this clusterfuckery in the world dies down. <3 <3 <3


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I'm imagining Ellis writing the script to this at a computer, and every time he gets to the end of a line about religion being bad he smacks his fedora to tip it, making the sounds of a typewriter being reset.

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#4832 Kirk

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 02:19 AM

my mental health is very poor at the moment, then a bunch of shit happened at work, including me sharing about it, and they made me feel even worse

 

also my oldest friend ghosted me a couple weeks ago

 

the shizz is now my oldest friend, thank you for your service


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#4833 joe.distort

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 09:26 AM

 

also my oldest friend ghosted me a couple weeks ago

 

 

this pretty much happened to me at the already-lowest point in my life a few years ago and it really fuckin hurts. to this day, i've gotten over most of the pain from this time and the deep, soul-killing depression is mostly under control, but this will still randomly haunt me. its the kind of thing that i feel we, as men, are not trained to handle or even really have it be socially acceptable to admit.

 

 

i was doing pretty ok with my health and vices during february, but then march and april just wrecked me mentally (along with everyone who isnt a dipshit or asshole) so i was eating so much garbage and drinking way too often. the month of may has seen me get back to a point gradually, taking it day by day, where i'm back on a healthy regimen and its like i always forget WOW, CUTTING LIQUOR AND ICE CREAM AND PASTA AND GETTING THE RIGHT SLEEP AND WATER AND EVEN JUST A LITTLE EXERCISE (compared to zero) MAKES ME FEEL WAY BETTER AND LESS ANXIOUS, crazy how that works like, every single time


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#4834 weener

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 01:30 PM

I'm still friends with some people from my youth, but we have little in common, as they are all into some combination of the outdoors, smoking weed, and having a family. Zero of them like any music I consider good. Y'all are my oldest friends that I actually feel close to.
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#4835 Kirk

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 03:50 PM

I woke up with terrible anxiety and a manic upswing today.

Was literally giggling while watching 30 rock.

Finally smoothed out all the crags in my brain.
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#4836 Smeg

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 03:55 PM

At first glance I thought you had said "Third Rock" and was gonna suggest you seek professional help. Nothing abnormal about giggling at 30 Rock
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#4837 thebitterroost

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 05:31 PM

I hate to bump this thread

Man, I wouldn’t feel bad about bumping this thread. There are not many online communities I’ve seen where people can feel in good enough company to air out their worries and vulnerabilities, which is something that we should do a lot more.

I think what you’re describing is no longer just relegated to mid-life. There are even very young people these days who have a significant sense of dread about the prospects of the future. I would argue that most of those concerns and the scariest parts of them are centered on the mid-term macro scale elements. I’ve found that it helps to try to zoom to the extremes. On the grand time-scale (cosmic/geologic), everything is equalized to a good extent. We may not have much to show for our lives, but neither do even the greatest emperors of history. Like that one feel-good line from Dust in the Wind: “and all your money won’t another minute buy.”
On the micro-scale, where you purposefully block out the white noise of modernity (the news, the internet, etc), all of your little daily accomplishments really matter. Incorporating even a few more chores into the day or something can feel triumphant.

I don’t know how helpful that is, but it’s been a pretty therapeutic mindset for me when I need it.
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#4838 angry_polar_bear

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 06:36 PM

I appreciate how many thoughtful, kind people there are in this community. Thank you for being awesome.

I think the current challenge for me is that it feels like there’s not a whole lot to look forward to or make progress on. Much of my musical life is on hold, so there isn’t a big show or concert to work towards. Gym is on the verge of starting up again but I’m a bit scared to see how much I’ve slid back in the last two months of doing basically no exercise. Travel is in the distant future (and I’m already bracing myself that I might not get to see family at all this Christmas), not to mention not having some fun event with all you wonderful people that I’ve gotten to know over the last few years. COVID has also curtailed efforts to make progress on a few other more personal issues (e.g. the ever present PTSD, or wondering if I am ever going to get the opportunity to have kids). Work has a whole other set of stresses that feed into the mix as well.

I’ve been trying to motivate myself with things like DoD or getting through games that have been on my list for ages, or other musical projects like the remote choir video, but somehow they all feel like distractions from the bigger, scarier questions that are always in the background. And even those smaller projects end up feeling overwhelming even though they’re not at all important in the grand scheme of things (which as a geologist I am very familiar with). For example I poured a whole lot of effort and emotion into doing my last month’s DoD entry but ultimately it’s over and done with in a few minutes and people move on to listening to the next thing. When you’re a music production machine or used to being more prolific I imagine that gets easier to handle but for me it verges on turning something that’s supposed to be fun into something that I can’t cope with very well.

I’ve been trying to tune out most “news” beyond the essential stuff because it doesn’t do much for my mood, but I haven’t tried the “chores as therapy” route yet... not a bad idea.
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#4839 mana

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Posted 20 May 2020 - 11:05 PM

I’ve been trying to motivate myself with things like DoD or getting through games that have been on my list for ages, or other musical projects like the remote choir video, but somehow they all feel like distractions from the bigger, scarier questions that are always in the background. And even those smaller projects end up feeling overwhelming even though they’re not at all important in the grand scheme of things (which as a geologist I am very familiar with). For example I poured a whole lot of effort and emotion into doing my last month’s DoD entry but ultimately it’s over and done with in a few minutes and people move on to listening to the next thing. When you’re a music production machine or used to being more prolific I imagine that gets easier to handle but for me it verges on turning something that’s supposed to be fun into something that I can’t cope with very well.

 

Oh man, when you're talking about putting in effort and emotion but it feeling so fleeting, I totally get it. I feel like that's been the result of ALL of my music, not just smaller/shorter stuff like DoD. Ironically, after I'm done with my current bigger scale project, I'm going to make myself enter DoD and do things on a much faster scale. It's a weird feeling. The part that is making music, IS fun to an extent, balanced with difficulty. The part of distributing/sharing/etc. your music feels like...guilt? I think that's pretty commonly talked about generally speaking. The hard part for me is that my music output is usually niche stuff WITHIN a niche. This is for another post probably in this thread, but I really don't feel like I have any peers to connect with at depth specifically for my own produced music. I don't know what to do about that. It's not exactly easy to convince people to suddenly enjoy new styles of music, much less beyond that. Combined with how difficult it is to discuss music in general, it fucking sucks. I'm just about at the end of my current project and I've gone through pretty much the whole gamut of emotions about it. And, this next thing, belongs in said future post here, but I have so much doubt about ANYTHING music related I do to the point of thinking of quitting, originating from being Asian-American and a guy. I don't know if there's another artistic field out there that's more hostile to Asian guys than music and film/TV. But I don't know what else to do. I love this shit and I think that's pretty easily seen by anyone who knows the breadth of projects and related communities I've been and am a part of. But, I'm not so sure the feeling is mutual.

 

I’ve been trying to tune out most “news” beyond the essential stuff because it doesn’t do much for my mood, but I haven’t tried the “chores as therapy” route yet... not a bad idea.

 

I can recommend it! It's been helpful for myself. What I've been doing, in particular, is rearranging bigger stuff in my apartment. I read through Marie Kondo's manga version of her book (it has diagrams), and took her philosophies to heart. Stuff like more optimal arrangements in my apartment, organization (trying to manage the clutter on my main desk was a big help, same for at least organizing my own possessions/items into their own containers).

 

My theory on why this works so well is that actions of this type decreases the barriers and walls to do things, increasing flow. The things I want to easily access are there (instruments and common items, etc.), and the stuff that I don't immediately use are in storage, but not in a messy way. It just makes DOING things easier, especially since we aren't going anywhere (at least those with common sense), and you feel better and more competent. Not that you are incompetent, but we unintentionally put barriers upon ourselves without realizing it. Chores are a way to take back that entropy (science word!!!).


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#4840 joe.distort

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Posted 21 May 2020 - 11:12 AM

I woke up with terrible anxiety and a manic upswing today.

Was literally giggling while watching 30 rock.

Finally smoothed out all the crags in my brain.

in fairness, 'watch 30 Rock' should be prescribed more often by mental health professionals. heres this thing i just read yesterday celebrating Tina Feys 50th birthday w 50 Tina Fey Things, theres lots of good 30 Rock content (NBC had to pay $50,000 to clear 'Night Moves' for the 'workin on my night cheese' joke???)


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#4841 Valence

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 01:53 AM

It feels like I died years and years ago but instead of instantly going straight to the void, I had to take a number like in a fucking deli and I'm just waiting for my number to be called and it all ends.


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#4842 thebitterroost

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Posted 23 June 2020 - 01:24 AM

Dude, I feel ya. Especially since pandemic distancing began. "Furloughed" from dayjob (writing on the wall says that it pretty much ain't coming back) and now trying to make myself conform to the work-from-home life and convert various side hustles into a more main thing, and discovering that I'm a really bad self-motivator. So the days feel like they've just been bleeding into one another and my sense of the passage of time feels off.

If it's any consolation to ya, hanging out and playing games with you and the others here have been a really great pick-me-up.
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#4843 Beef-Clef

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 12:19 AM

I don't really post in this thread, nor do I talk to people about myself that much, but every once in a while I'm put in positions where my anxieties and depression start spiking, and the way I usually deal with this is to get into my own head and do my best to untangle the knots and try to resume normal life. Maybe it might help to get things out of my head and onto the internet? Right now is a time when everything seems to be coalescing in many ways for me and for the world. I'm about to be a dad and reflecting on my life to this point is such a maddening trip. I've gone through so much that it makes me feel like I've lived a lot longer than just my 39 years.

Thinking about where I've come from and where I am now, spending so much time on theshizz with you all, I never would have imagined it. I grew up really badly in some ways, I survived a series of very violent sexual assaults when I was little, and trying to grow up as normally as I could after that wasn't working. I had developed a severe stutter that, along with my shitty foreigner English and other factors, made me the target for bullying and in turn reacting very violently to that bullying. Around the 6th grade I decided that I would give myself till age 21 and then I was going to commit suicide, until then I'd study people and try to form some kind of personality to replace everything that I lost. I spent those years observing people and making all kinds of friends, getting into tons of trouble and doing all manner of dangerous and illegal things. I was a very violent kid and I'd get into fights constantly, as well as doing things that had me running from police on more than a few occasions. I started getting older and was gonna start approaching the end of my life as I had it planned, I didn't want to leave my family but I didn't have a choice since the way I was turning out was not correct. I could enjoy my time at home and spend it loving them all, having fun playing games with my brother and watching my baby sister grow up, but in my mind those pleasures weren't anything I had earned, so I felt like a thief too,

I met Tina around that time, and she was my first love, the way she talked to me and treated me gave me a reason to reconsider everything I was going to do, so I chose to live my life. My anger didn't slow down any, though, I had been letting it explode all over in every aspect of my life, and the newest way I found to express it was on the internet. It was a brand new thing to people my age, and  for the first few years I used it innocently, having light-hearted fun making MIDIs, downloading roms and low-res porno, but as my anger and depression developed even deeper I used the internet to vent it at everything and everyone, regardless of any logical reasoning behind it, I just had to get back at people who were expressing their anger at me online. I evolved from walking around with cuts, bruises and bloody knuckles to walking around with a planned flame post to type out soon as I got home. Some of you who knew me early on, 15-20 years ago, can remember how mean spirited and spiteful I was online. Even when I joined theshizz I was just being a huge dick whenever I could, trolling and trying to be as offensive and mean as possible. The few of you who got to know me personally would all say what a nice guy I was, but was I really a nice guy if I just let myself run amok with hatred, sexism, racism, homophobia and whatever else I was spouting? I think back on how unhinged the early internet was, and how easy it would be to disregard is as ancient history, but I can't help but feel responsible for all the hatred that I released onto it regardless of contexts or reasonings. It's taken me so many years to build the correct sets of anger management skills and coping mechanisms to manage depression and keep reminding myself that I chose this path through life for a reason.

The thing that gets me though, is that my behavior online was just not acceptable at all in many ways, and of all the places I've been to it's been you guys who chose to keep giving me chances to get a better handle on myself and start communicating on here with more honest thoughts and feelings, and I honestly don't know why. Granted there are a few of us on here who fall into categories of "why isn't this person shunned and banned" (even though I WAS banned and came back) but the fact that I've been accepted as a person of some value to you all means more to me than I can ever express. Now that my life is preparing to make such a change I can't help but feel like I need to tie up a lot of loose ends and move forward, but it's such an overwhelming thing to deal with. I've always been deeply depressed and trying to deal with the anger and guilt of what I went through is going to be a challenge for the rest of my life, I'm very proud of myself for coming as far as I have, but I feel like it's been at the cost of so much positivity I've drowned out that I have an enormous amount of personal healing to facilitate going forward. Not sure why I'm choosing to post this here, I usually just keep these thoughts in my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll regret it.


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#4844 Sindra

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 07:11 AM

Fun Fact: Back when I first met Snappleman circa 2003-04 internet, I thought he was an edgy jackhole and hated him. He pretty much was out to offend everyone, and 18-19 y/o me was easily riled. It took another 2-3 years to realize we were both just anxious social idiots looking for people we could relate to and nerd out to Castlevania music with.

 

It's been a long strange journey, my friend. I'm glad we made it this far and will continue to. :wub:


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I'm imagining Ellis writing the script to this at a computer, and every time he gets to the end of a line about religion being bad he smacks his fedora to tip it, making the sounds of a typewriter being reset.

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#4845 Ken Oh

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 07:29 AM

That's some heavy shit, man. Thanks for sharing it. 

 

I was very much in an adjacent mindset early-mid 2000s, and the cringe of my early post history shows it. Growing up in what many people consider to be a cult left me feeling isolated and marginalized. The 'toughness' I gained from the (semi-self) ostracization was at a cost of thinking insults, jokes, and, frankly, trolling over other issues is justified or at least not a big deal. There's so much more I could go into, and I am still dealing with it a little, but I've come a long way, in no small part thanks to you and others here. Glad you're in a better place as well. 


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