Oh boy, I could write for pages on this, but I'll try to be as concise as I can. First of all, thank you for a very insightful post. I think it's good to discuss things like these because they're so taboo, and we shouldn't be discouraged to explore ourselves further. That's what my transition has been all about--learning about how I like to express myself instead of fitting into the box of a gender role that's been constructed for me.
I think my first post from last year explains why I made this decision pretty well. I feel like the male and female relationship is much like yin and yang.. To me, feminity is about compassion--being in touch with your emotions and working together with others instead of competing and trying to one-up each other. It's about conducting yourself in a soft, poised, and intelligent way through manner and dress. Everyone has varying degrees and ideas of what feminity is though and that's ok--I'm not trying to say I have the answer to what a woman should be, just what I consider to be feminine traits.
You bring up good questions though. I also don't feel like my own personal identity is defined by my gender, but there's an interesting duality about transgenderism, in that we're trying to challenge and break free from the confines society has put on us through our given gender role, while, at the same time for most trans people, trying to fit into another one. Everyone has their own way of life that's right for them.. I just do what I feel is right for me without any fear about what any ideology or anyone else thinks. I am gratified by being recognized as a woman though, so I won't lie and say I don't care at all about what other people think because it affects me.
That said, I never told anyone before I started this lifestyle--not my family, classmates, coworkers, anyone.. I don't owe anyone an explanation for how I live my life. I'm willing to share with people I trust, but anyone who has a problem is their problem. Life is too short to be such a downer.
My brothers and I were pushed to be competitive when we were kids. I had fun when I was really little, but I never cared for team sports after that. I didn't play any sports after elementary school. I kinda feel the same way about DoD... I had a lot more fun in the beginning when it was new and exciting to all of us in such a small community, then I stopped because a lot of my friends quit and it became more competitive. Not to rag on it though of course.. I'm more in my old mindset now of just having fun, so I'm still interested in participating.
Also, another reason I want to get on hormone therapy is because I've experienced what it's like to have a lower testosterone and my thought process overall was a lot less tense, and what's the word...animalistic lol. Mentally, male and female hormones definitely affect you differently. Going vegetarian at 12, I'm not sure I got all that much testosterone going through puberty.
About the line, yes I do know that feeling, and it's how I've felt most of my life. I still remember feeling it as a toddler when I'd tuck my genitals between my legs, or when I started shaving my legs as a teen.. Anyone who considers themselves to be androgynous goes through those thoughts.. Research has shown that fetuses in their initial stage in the mother's womb start out as female. The only thing separating us is the hormones we receive during development, which eventually develop our secondary sex traits that most associate with what defines genders.
Modern medical advances have made for some incredible things to be possible though, and someone can change their entire hormonal balance and essentially go through puberty again even as an adult. After having experienced living as a girl for a year I've decided this is the way to go for me to be physically and mentally where I want. I'm glad to already have so much support, but I hope anyone who's apprehensive about this can at least maybe see where I'm coming from..
Thank you very, very much for your response. It's invaluable to me in my further understanding of transgender/transsexual individuals as an intellectual exercise (rather than an avenue of tolerance, which is a non-issue for me). I hope, however unlikely it maybe, that you have nothing but good experiences from here on out with all of it.