(all in fun)

Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time!!!!!!!!!!!

HOPE SPRINGS, AR—The holy and sacrosanct miracle of birth, long revered by human civilization as the most mysterious and magical of all phenomena, took place for what experts are estimating "must be at least the 83 billionth time" Tuesday with the successful delivery of eight-pound, four-ounce baby boy Darryl Brandon Severson at Holy Mary Mother Of God Hospital.

The milestone was achieved by Carla Severson, 32, an unemployed cosmetology-school graduate and homemaker, and her husband of 14 years, Dwayne Severson, also 32, a former screen-door factory worker and freelance lawncare contractor. Experts say the miracle most likely was the result of the pair engaging in an otherwise routine act of sexual intercourse at some point during late May 1998.

The miraculous birth is the couple's fifth.


Delivery-room personnel cut the umbilical cord of Darryl Brandon Severson, the 83 billionth miracle of birth and the fifth to occur in the Severson household.

"This truly is a miracle," said OB-GYN floor nurse Sandra Meese, placing Darryl Brandon in the New Births Room of the hospital's maternity ward, where he joined 32 other equally miraculous babies. "Looking down into this precious child's red, screaming face, so barely distinguishable from all the other wailing children surrounding him on all sides, one is reminded of just how special and unique the gift of life really is."

News of the landmark 83 billionth birth sparked an outpouring of good tidings from around the globe, with millions of well-wishers sending cards and letters offering blessings to the media-dubbed "miracle baby." Dozens of world leaders have phoned to express their congratulations, including Chinese Premier Li Peng, who called Darryl "a living miracle" and "a joy to all mankind." Warring factions in Kosovo, Sierra Leone and Turkey have called week-long cease-fires in honor of the miraculous birth.

In a special message from St. Peter's Basilica, Pope John Paul II spoke of the miracle child.

"In our all-too-cynical modern age, the birth of Darryl Severson is proof that miracles do indeed exist," the pope said. "In this special time, it is fitting that we should offer thanks and praise to our Father in Heaven for this, the most precious of His blessings: the blessing of life."

The pope went on to commend Carla Severson for her abstention from birth control, a sin which, had it been committed, would have prevented her pregnancy and delayed humankind's reaching the 83 billion mark by as much as 1/64th of a second. The pope also noted that, with a total of five certifiable miracles to her credit, Mrs. Severson may qualify for canonization as a saint after her death.

Narrowly missing the chance to be the record-breaking 83 billionth baby were Manoj Ranaghat, born 1/16th of a second earlier to starving peasants in the drought-stricken village of Bijapur, India; Phillippe Duclos, born 1/32nd of a second earlier in Lyon, France; and Baby X, delivered just 1/64th of a second earlier than Darryl in a Bronx housing project, but unfortunately born dead.

"I'm overjoyed for the Seversons. They are truly blessed," said Marcia Ott, a neighbor of the family, reacting to the sudden crush of media attention focused on their small Arkansas town. "I've heard about miracles before, but you never think something like this is going to happen to someone you know."

The miraculous birth will likely have a major impact on Dwayne and Carla Severson, as they are expected to devote a majority of their waking hours tending to the baby's many miraculous needs. When not getting miraculously waken at 3 a.m., the couple will be miraculously occupied feeding Darryl and changing his miraculous diapers whenever he miraculously defecates.

But for all the attention, the couple remain humble about their achievement.

"It wasn't exactly like we planned it, to be honest," Dwayne said. "In fact, when Carla told me she was pregnant again, I was kinda worried, on account of me losing my job at the screen-door factory and all. Money's real tight right now, and I wasn't sure we could make ends meet. But still, us having to sell the trailer and temporarily move back into Carla's parents' place isn't so bad, if you think about it, since it's a such a miracle, I guess."

"I love my baby so much," Carla said. "He's the most precious little angel that ever flew down from heaven."

Though the 83 billion figure is the one generally agreed upon, experts concede that the precise number is somewhat more nebulous.

"It all depends on how you tabulate the miracles," Cornell University biology professor Dr. Isaac Gregson said. "Eighty-three billion includes not only all the humans who have ever been born, but also all the Cro-Magnons, Neanderthals, Australopithecines and other proto-hominids going all the way back to the first mammals. Of course, if you were to include the rest of the vertebrates in the animal kingdom, it would be even higher. And if you were to also include plankton, unicellular microorganisms and all plant life, the actual number would be closer to, say, umpteen gadzillion. But why quibble about numbers at a time like this? Darryl's birth is a one-of-a-kind special moment that has deeply inspired the world, reminding us all of just what it is that life is all about."

Noted essayist and biologist Stephen Jay Gould agreed, calling the latest addition to the Severson household "a miracle beyond compare."

"It's an amazing turn of events, no doubt about it," Gould said. "Just think: A spermatozoa from a male mammal fertilized the ovum of a female mammal, causing a fetus to develop and, in time, come to term and pass through the female's birth canal as a new being. It just goes to show that there are some mysteries even science cannot explain."

Y'mean, like, less, in general, or less today? Because, for me, masturbating less, today, would be not masturbating at all, y'know? I mean, there aren't many days where I find it necessary to do it twice.

Oh, crap... It's 9/11 & we're talking about this...what good Americans we are...wasting our time on stupid shit.

Click

okay, enough already

That's really cool that you shared this...He's a very fluid player, very graceful.

sk

Ha! I was referring to the initial post.

oh...irony.

RED MUTHA FUCKIN DAWN

those are beautiful shots..

"art shit"

I used to be into thay type of art. Its fun but can get messy and smells horrid!

I had a staring contest a couple Tuesdays at the YUCCA with a guy who look liked your avatar.

Really? wait what? Was it awkward?

Y'know, funny you should ask, at first it kinda was....then, I dunno, I was looking at the guy thinking "Hmmm, he's staring back, but not getting huffy puffy...hmm...maybe he's gay?", but I just kept staring, as did he, and then, I dunno, it got kinda...umm..romantic? We never spoke....I just hope he remembers me, like I remember him...

I hoping someone opens a 31 & up club...

or have some kind a weight minimum...

Sorry, dude....you're 5'10" and only weigh 150 pounds...go eat some fuckin cheeseburgers & come back next month

You could try Margaritaville.

Just so everyone knows...I've known James for along time,we've played some great shows together, recorded some good tunes, and he never, NEVER, is this funny in person...

Okay maybe a few times.

"art shit"

Usually is...

pllllllllllease Phoenix...give us more mexploitation & booby art.......

"art shit"

I used to be into thay type of art. Its fun but can get messy and smells horrid!

I had a staring contest a couple Tuesdays at the YUCCA with a guy who look liked your avatar.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

I hoping someone opens a 31 & up club...

or have some kind a weight minimum...

Sorry, dude....you're 5'10" and only weigh 150 pounds...go eat some fuckin cheeseburgers & come back next month

lets all be friends, if all new bands start being supportive with each other we can end all this mean stuff

My newest baby is formed from a few of the guys from Yukon Ho! called Instructions. We want to party with you!


anyone else wanna plug a new project?

I'd like to plug you

That was forever ago...they mentioned it, I believe...was it kind of a rough show?

It was great...awesome mix of old & new...

If it had only been rainy....and we had all been high... perfection...


and they did Autumn Sweater, which makes me think of Bobby (rum tenor) ...

It was a great night...and they are the nicest people on earth.

Neither Rum Tenor, nor Juarez, ever sounded better.

Really, really good.

An amazing songwriter & razor sharp wit...

One of very, very favorite songwriters.

So very sad.

He took his own life on Christmas Eve via an overdose of pills.

Read up on him, quite a story....

Merry Christmas...every day is precious.

Now I plan my outfits more carefully when hitting up wal-mart at 3 in the morning.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

yeah...it's kinda lame...mean-spirited.