37 replies to this topic

[Tony]

so i'm working in my backyard yesterday and all of the sudden my dogs start chasing something. i figure it's one of the stray cats in the neighborhood. then i look up and see a motherfucking rooster running at me, which was NOT what i was expecting.

it turns out my neighbor has roosters (i knew this already) and he was ordered by the city to get rid of them because they're illegal in the city limits. on account of them being annoying as hell to everyone who can hear. i never complained to the city about them, because i feel like anyone who hosts band practice at their house 3 times a week for 5 years doesn't really have a whole lot of room to complain about noise in the neighborhood. and he brought me eggs (from the chickens - not the roosters, obviously), too.

i know he was ordered to get rid of them because he came over that morning and told me that if i heard anything crazy, not to worry, because he'd hired a guy to come over and kill all the roosters and prep them for eating. during the course of the day i didn't hear anything. but i guess one of them managed to figure out what was going on and he flew over the wall in a daring escape attempt. my neighbor looked over our wall when it happened and didn't see anything, and he thought that the bird actually flew out into the alley and not my yard, so he didn't notify me that we might have a refugee. well, now we do. so the rooster has cornered himself back behind our pool filter where the dogs can't get him. and he's just chilling out back there. i went to my neighbor to say something along the lines of "hey, come get your fucking rooster" and his response was "oh, just chase him and he'll fly back over the wall."

i don't know what the proper protocol is in this situation. so my first reaction was, "okay, i'll go wave my arms at him and i'm sure he'll hop right back up over the wall and into his old yard. this should take about 30 seconds." i can't emphasize enough how much of a failure this was. and i don't want to go picking up some rogue rooster who's afraid for his life. is he going to dig into me with his claws or peck my eyes out? i don't know. i'm not a rooster expert. upon reflection, i probably should have said "no, man, you come get your rooster NOW." but i didn't. so now i have this rooster that's just hanging out back by my pool. he's not crowing or going after my garden or anything, but i imagine that will happen sooner or later.

and i don't want to hurt the little guy. i mean, if my neighbor told me i could kill him and eat him i wouldn't have a problem with it, but i don't have a clue how to properly do it and make sure it doesn't suffer. so yes, i recognize the irony.

anyway, that rooster isn't going anywhere on his own, and he's smart enough to know how to evade the dogs. anybody got any advice on this one? do i call animal control? do i don a burlap safety suit and tackle him and throw him back over the wall (note - catching him will be difficult - he's FAST)? do i use my pool skimmer to pick him up from a distance? do i just leave my gates open and unleash him on the neighborhood? threaten my neighbor? shoot him (the rooster, not my neighbor) with a crossbow?

does anybody want a rooster?

[Quezo]

What happened to all that poisoned dart blowgun training you did in the Phillipines, Tony?

Fast? Remember this is the Matrix, there is no spoon.

Dr Lazarus don't do no fucking yardwork, sheeeiiiiiiiit.

[jeremx]

i'd tell the dude to come get his rooster. it's not your job to catch the thing. and he didn't say "keep it" so it sounds like he's kind of expecting it back. if he wants it, he's gotta come get it. no telling if that things carrying some sort of rooster-aids just waiting to rape your and/or your dog's immune systems. either that or hit up the phoenix permaculture board and see if someone wants to come get it from you.

[Tony]

i'd tell the dude to come get his rooster. it's not your job to catch the thing. and he didn't say "keep it" so it sounds like he's kind of expecting it back. if he wants it, he's gotta come get it. no telling if that things carrying some sort of rooster-aids just waiting to rape your and/or your dog's immune systems. either that or hit up the phoenix permaculture board and see if someone wants to come get it from you.

yeah, he definitely did not say "keep it", but he also didn't really seem to give a shit that it was in my yard. i mean, the alternative is that he's going to kill it, so i don't think he has any sentimental attachment to it. i just wanted to make sure i wasn't crazy for expecting this guy to come get the rooster himself. that seems reasonable to me - that people are responsible for their own roosters.

also, rooster aids:

[Quezo]

I thought Rooster aid was the drink of choice at KFC, or was it Church's?

[Jacki O.]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

[Tony]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

[fatguyaz]

i think the pool net is the best option. Plop that shit right back over the wall. clip those wings before you put him back so he doesn't come back over.

Or just get him out from behind the pool filter and let the dogs have at him. He can't outrun two dogs for too long.



You want me to come catch him after work today? Maybe i could let him bang my chickens for a while...

[Jacki O.]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

[Tony]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

yeah, i guess.

i was too busy fucking bitches when i was younger to learn all that shit.

[Jacki O.]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

yeah, i guess.

i was too busy fucking bitches when i was younger to learn all that shit.

baller

im just joking with you

if you dont want to kill a chicken, you dont have to, no shame in that.

just go back over to your neighbor and be like 'I cant get it out, come over and get your fucking rooster yo'

[fatguyaz]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

yeah, i guess.

i was too busy fucking bitches when i was younger to learn all that shit.

baller

im just joking with you

if you dont want to kill a chicken, you dont have to, no shame in that.

just go back over to your neighbor and be like 'I cant get it out, come over and get your fucking rooster yo'

But call it a COCK.

[Jacki O.]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

yeah, i guess.

i was too busy fucking bitches when i was younger to learn all that shit.

baller

im just joking with you

if you dont want to kill a chicken, you dont have to, no shame in that.

just go back over to your neighbor and be like 'I cant get it out, come over and get your fucking rooster yo'

But call it a COCK.

yeah! and say it all sexy like so he feels weird about it

[Tony]

sounds like you've got yourself some fried chicken yo

put on a coat and gloves
catch that freedom lover
lay him gently over a flat, hard surface
put an ax to his neck quickly
defeather and clean
fry
eat
enjoy your freedoms

and tell your neighbor he must have flown away.......





to heaven

not having grown up on a farm, i don't have any idea how to defeather and clean a bird. it's a skill i've considered learning, but have never pursued. you know, on account of chicken being available defeathered and cleaned pretty much everywhere. i'm sure i'll regret this if i survive the apocalypse and i need to kill and dress chickens for food. well, assuming a bunch of chickens survive, too. oh, also, i don't have an axe. or a coat, for that matter. it's phoenix, jacki.

pussy

yeah, i guess.

i was too busy fucking bitches when i was younger to learn all that shit.

baller

im just joking with you

if you dont want to kill a chicken, you dont have to, no shame in that.

just go back over to your neighbor and be like 'I cant get it out, come over and get your fucking rooster yo'

i know you're joking. but i'll take every opportunity to brag about all the sex.

i wouldn't even mind killing it, but i literally don't have an axe (when i brought this up to my wife, she said "well, we have a hammer" - yikes). i just don't want to bother. my neighbor and i will be having a "hey, you need to come get this guy out of my yard" talk when he gets home from work.

EDIT: oh, and yes, i've been referring to it as "the cock". and i try to make it as creepy as possible when i talk about it.

[guitarduane]

two things...

1) this board should automatically replace the word rooster with cock in all posts.
2)

Maybe i could let him bang my chickens for a while...