38 replies to this topic

[bunnyeyes]

We had this issue where I work. A certain attorney would leave his office and walk down the hall past all the cubicles to let it rip. After awhile one secretary had enough and brought in pine sented air freshner and would spray it every time he walked by.

[Tender Lad]

And I thought I would never have anything in common with an attorney.

[jeremx]

hide some rancid smelling stuff in someone else's cubicle. let them be the smelly one. that way you seem better by comparison.

this was a gag from an article i read in stuff magazine several years ago. buy some valerian root, the tablets, not the capsules. you don't want the plastic on the outside. take the foam ball off of the microphone part of their headset (assuming we're talking about call center people here) and put the pill in there. then put the foam ball back on the mic. they'll have that dirty feet smell right under their nose as they're looking all over the place for where the smell is coming from. i actually did this one to a friend of mine when i worked at AT&T. he came back to his desk with a bag of popcorn and kept looking for the smell. he even walked over to me and asked if the popcorn smelled funny. when i said "no" he said i could have it because it smelled bad to him. it was all i could do to keep my composure. for probably the next hour i watched him check his trashcan, desk drawers, smell his clothing, etc.. funniest office prank ever. after i told him, we proceeded to do it to a handful of other people throughout the day. hilarious and harmless. ie; you're not going to get in trouble for destroying company property.

[donald]

And I thought I would never have anything in common with an attorney.

Unfortunately TL, the stereotypical Attorney is an asshole.

You previously mentioned you actively go out looking for people to fart around which is literally and figuratively an asshole thing to do.

[Tender Lad]

And I thought I would never have anything in common with an attorney.

Unfortunately TL, the stereotypical Attorney is an asshole.

You previously mentioned you actively go out looking for people to fart around which is literally and figuratively an asshole thing to do.

It's how I mark the people I like. If I don't fart near you or on you I probably will avoid you entirely.

[jeremx]

Speaking of firebombing...

i've always heard to it being referred to as "crop dusting."

[Dez]

Twice this week after lunch (eating said leftovers) I have emitted such an order from my body that when people walk by they look like they are getting attacked by a swarm of bees.

I read this to my co-worker and it made him spit water out all over my desk!! hahaha

[weener]

It's how I mark the people I like. If I don't fart near you or on you I probably will avoid you entirely.

Wow, you must loooove my mom's dog, farting right in its face whenever possible and all.

[donald]

crop dusting is when you fart while you are walking and leave a trail



Firebombing might not be the right term, but I just stay put and don't walk around spreading the love, if you know what I mean.

[Jacki O.]

i have my own office


in the back of the building


so i'm kinda alone most of the day


i do whatever i want

[jeremx]

I just stay put and don't walk around spreading the love, if you know what I mean.

gotcha.

i do whatever i want

[mothrock]

And I thought I would never have anything in common with an attorney.

Unfortunately TL, the stereotypical Attorney is an asshole.

You previously mentioned you actively go out looking for people to fart around which is literally and figuratively an asshole thing to do.

the old smokescreen/afterburner

[mikemfer]

I didn't write this.



HOW TO POOP AT WORK



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it .Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom



TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.



Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[raubhimself]

crop dusting is when you fart while you are walking and leave a trail

Firebombing might not be the right term, but I just stay put and don't walk around spreading the love, if you know what I mean.

how about "creating a local atmosphere"?

The best work bathroom story I have is from my old internship. A friend of mine worked there so we were chummy all the time. A bunch of us went to the Pizza Hut lunch buffet, and my friend and I were complaining about our bowel aches from excess pizza. We get back to the office and he darts to the bathroom. When he gets back to his desk he IMs me and says "You better get in there before someone else does." So I heed his advice and open the door to the stall to be greeted by a toilet bowl full of nasty pizza shits. Of course I cracked up at this sight, and was proud of my friend for taking such a huge risk on pranking me.